Date: January 30, 2008 6:05:30 PM EST
Hi. I am a 20 yr old
male. I am writing you because I have been reading your articles and
comments and doing a lot of reflecting and I have some issues with certain
Self-reflection is something we value.
I am being objective when I say
this so don't get me wrong. This is me in a nut-shell: a social,
semi-confident, intelligent, and good-looking guy who
doesn't think one-night stands are emotionally healthy and believes
that everything can be worked out through calm, rational communication.
I am also a huge nerd, being that I read a lot of comic books
and novels, play video games, enjoy art and films, think
sports are for meat-heads, etc which doesn't help my relations with women.
I don't know why. You sound pretty good to us so far! ;-)
I believe women can do
anything men can and that Cosmo magazine and everything it represents is
trash. My problem is that I am a nice guy by nature, i like to
help people with their problems.
Don't confuse the "nice guy" phenomenon with helping people.
I like to do things for and
with people and share thoughts, feelings, etc. but I am
too trusting and get taken advantage of. I am insecure about
relationships since I dated an "Abuser" for 3
yrs (first physical relationship) and she cheated, lied and
disrespected me every chance she got.
Bum deal. But it could happen to anyone. It's natural to be green in your
I realized it and ended it but
now I am afraid of this happening again. It's hindering me.
What can I say but: don't be afraid. You can't
control other people's actions. You can't be sure everyone you love will behave
responsibly. Sometimes we all get stuck on the business end of a bad
relationship. The thing that should give you HOPE is that YOU ended it.
believe in people being honest in general but I will believe anything
a woman says even if my gut tells me something's wrong.
Well, I can't make you listen to your gut. That's YOUR job. I'm not all that
worried about you though, because, basically you can hear what your gut is
telling you. Over time you'll learn to trust it. Make it RULE--if something
doesn't seem right to you, don't jump to hasty conclusions, but do investigate,
hold something back, until your gut and your brain agree. You won't make
serious relationship red flags go away by ignoring them.
I have dated other women and
have either attracted the manipulative, user kind or the
desperate, uber-passive kind, or both types in one which is
interesting. I want an equal partner not someone who treats me like
dirt or a god.
You have the right goals.
My question is: How do I wise up
and stop being a "Nice Guy" who attracts (and is attracted
to) the wrong types without being a total dick and compromising my nature?
Um...um...just don't? There really is no trick to this. I don't have a
prescription or a magic bullet.
Great job on the site and advice
to women. I am curious why this isn't a bigger deal.
We wonder that too. ;-)
I know I'm not a member but I
would like a real answer from a female perspective.
I can just give you (I hope) a smart perspective. You know what a jackass is.
Don't be one. Trust your gut. Stick with your values. And be forgiving of your
own mistakes. Live and move on. I can't tell you how to attract the girl of
your dreams. But, if you are true to yourself, she'll figure it out. There are
smart women out there looking for all the things you're looking for.
Plus being male I don't know if I
can qualify for the "Heartless Bitch" thing.
We have male members. So to speak. ;-) We never discriminate on the basis of
gender--just ignorance, immaturity, irresponsibility and stupidity!