From: Marti DB
Date: March 8, 2009
Subject: Fuck-up when it comes to love
Dear Auntie Dote
(sounds so formal..)
I ‘m 42 going on 12 and I just seem to jump from one bad relationship into another. I worry that I am going to end up alone and the thought doesn’t worry me so much,
but I want to try to have a ‘good’ relationship at least for once in my life.
Because although being alone isn’t that scary a concept to me, I’m not stupid either and I realise that everybody needs love and that it’s always more fun and rewarding to share your life with somebody.
I’m trying to figure out why I keep fucking-up
and why I always seem to go for guys that end up ‘not being that into me’.
I feel like I am missing the basic tools and that I don’t know how to play ‘the game’.
Whatever the fuck the game is - I admit, i have always hated games and i don’t have a competitive bone in my body. But it definitely seems to be a game and when I ask the advice of family and friends, who are in successful relationships, they always tell me the same thing. They tell me it’s a game of "strategy"
and that I need to play hard in order to ultimately get what I want and hook a man for life.
This concept goes against everything I am about – I am open and honest with my feelings, Im not afraid to show my affection and Im loyal and devoted when im in a relationship.
It feels cruel, unjust, unnatural and like Im just downright lying if I am anything other than myself with these men.
More-so, I have tried that strategy a couple of times and it only made me anxious and terribly uncomfortable.
I split up a with a lovely man a few months ago. It was his decision in the end, even though I couldn’t even admit to myself that I was terribly unhappy in the relationship because I hate to admit defeat and/or be ‘the bad guy’ who ends things.
Not long after, his friend started to pursue me, heavily. I had been quite good friends with this man for 3 years and there was always a bit of a mutual attraction brewing beneath the surface. But i never went there because i am the adamantly loyal type.
This guy wasted no time in seducing me.
Because i was on the rebound, and with a bruised ego, i didn’t even think to fight him off.
He is ridiculously good looking, so that also made it almost impossible.
It soon started as a casual love affair where we would go out to a bar every weekend, get drunk and then shag ourselves silly, as if he’d had all these pent-up sexual feelings for me the entire time.
It was hot and heavy, bordering on obsessive, even addictive. I think in hindsight, I was just in shock and I just went along with it, without any real thought about what was actually going on, let alone the ensuing consequences.
After a few months, things started to develop and get a little more ‘serious’, more intimate (or so i thought). We didn’t have to be at a bar or drunk anymore to have sex, and we could actually just hang out and do ‘couply’ things together. I think at this point, i started to develop real feelings for the guy and so i would invite him to this or that, but he would always turn me down. I soon realised that I was very much playing by his rules and his rules alone – he would call me and see me when he wanted to and when it suited him, or when he felt like having sex. Never when I made the call.
When things started to get more emotionally intense, i found him pulling away. And then he wouldn’t see me every week anymore – it became more like once a fortnight and when i would eventually see him, it was fraught with aloofness and uncomfortable tension on his part. He wouldn’t email or text for the entire 2 weeks and he very rarely picks up the phone to call me.
My friends told me he was freaked out or felt guilty because i was his mate’s ex – they gave me a list of reasons to excuse, explain and/or justify his behaviour. They told me to play hardball with him. Which i did a couple of times. I wouldn’t return his messages and i found that it worked – he would come running, literally the very next morning.
I thought this was bullshit and i didn’t want to play that game.
He completely dodged me on Valentine’s day, didn’t even return my messages.
What’s worse, a few days after valentine’s, he dodged my birthday and my birthday party as well.
When he sent a message to apologise the following day, i ignored him. I was pretty much at my wit’s end by this stage – i thought, this is definitely a fucking deal breaker – im done with this jerk! He waited a few days and then sent an email saying he’d bought me a birthday present, as if to suck-up. I sent him some sarcastic thing back. He knew i was pissed.
The following 2 days he menaced me with texts and emails and they got worse because i wouldn’t respond.
I eventually agreed to see him and thought, im going to have it out with him and tell him exactly how i feel.
Sure enough, he came over (forgetting the present, mind you)
and we had a big lover’s spat where i pretty much told him everything and how pissed off i was. He said i was ‘reading too much into things’.
I told him i had feelings for him and he was writhingly uncomfortable with this and then proceeded to tell me he was probably too busy for a relationship at the moment – using the excuse of work as his biggest one.
We agreed to stay friends, or maybe fuck buddies, but i don’t know about the latter.He said he likes calling in to have a “chat” and would like to continue to do so.
Im a bit annoyed at myself - mostly for blurting everything out as i did. I blame the wine.
But im not the most patient girl in the world. I know i could have played the game better,
and i could have been a real bitch and kept him interested and kept stringing him along if i really wanted to. Im just not into mind-fuck games.
And im really at a loss here. Im starting to think that you really do have to play this bullshit game in order to get the prize at the end. I just don’t know if i can do it. And i don’t know if i want to.
Since our uncomfortable ‘moment of truth’, i thought for sure he was going to run for the hills or at least pull away for a while. but confusingly, it’s been the opposite. He has been emailing me every day now and i don’t know if it’s the guilt of his rejection why he’s doing it or if it’s just another ‘strategy’ he’s playing with me, to keep me close for his own selfish needs.
Im also a bit upset that I have potentially ruined our friendship of 3 years in the process as well.
I wish i didn’t feel anything
- i wish i was ruthless and that i could just use him for the sex at least.
Cos the sex is pretty fucking good, i must say! Now, what the fuck to do with this situation? Do i just fuck him off completely? Do i try to act cool like nothing happened and salvage the friendship? Do i turn mean and nasty and play the game, hoping that he will eventually succumb and that i will get what i want?