Auntie Dote is HBI's answer to the usual, treacly, self-help advice columnists.

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Ask Auntie Dote
The Auntie Dote for what ails you...



We figured we'd punt this one over to Dan at CharismaTips.com, since quite frankly, AuntieDote is sick of this kind of clueless "Nice Guy". So today, Dan is guest-posting for AuntieDote. Though his advice is sound, quite honestly, we doubt that "Mark" will really *get* it.

From: Mark C.
Subject: COMMENTS: Email from a "nice guy" to Heartless bitches

Hi

First of all, I think your sight has an interesting perspective. I am a male myself and I would imagine that you would call me a "nice guy."

I have to admit that I'm bad with women in many of the ways that you discuss. For example, I really can't tell very well whether a girl likes me or doesn't. However, sometimes girls do lead on guys, because it gives them a boost to their ego. There was one girl who would flirt with me but would not continue a conversation with me for example. She wouldn't even respond when I talked to her. Then, minutes later, she and her friend would laugh. She never straight out rejected me, but just led me on. It is very confusing.

But she was very cordial with this other guy who's a bit bigger, more muscular, and better looking than me (hey, I'm being objective).

This other time, admittedly I acted like an idiot with a girl. I went to a restaurant with her and was -as you would say- came on a bit too strong, too soon. But, instead of telling me that she wasn't interested (which I would have been OK with, and always have been) at the restaurant, or one on one, she just told this other guy what happened and they laughed at me and treated me like garbage from then on. Even when I just stopped interacting with them, she would sort of gossip about me behind my back.

Basically, I have never, ever had a good experience with women. I have become paranoid about women, to be honest, and I have begun to think that they are always screwing with me. I don't have any confidence around women because I have never had good results with them.

In the last year or so, I have become misogynistic. I have really almost started to hate women. I just feel like they are always judging me. I always either come on "too strong" or "not strong enough." Why can't I come on to a girl when I feel like it, for a change? You talk about how "nice guys" should do what he wants more, not what the girl wants, and then you lay down a laundry list of rules that guys have to follow.

Last, believe me, I don't want to be a loser. But the other thing about it is - if I was 6'4", 215 lbs, and damn good looking, would you give half a fuck what my personality was? Conversely, if you see some 5'5" guy or something, he could be the biggest saint on the planet and you wouldn't give a rat's ass. Let's not kid anyone there. It's like me saying some girl was too "nice" or a "bitch" when in reality I just didn't like the way she looked. At least I'd be fucking honest about why I didn't like her, unlike some of you (in some situations). By the way, I am in between - about 6'0" and 185 lbs. And I don't "play" with girls that I don't really like, unlike many girls do with guys.

I had a good personality, a genuinely nice personality BEFORE I started to try to get to know women in more than a platonic way.

Really I am lost and frustrated and it is sad but I am just doing the best that I can.

People say I have high standards, but I don't think so. I just want a girl with good morals that looks OK. Not mean, not cruel, not a liar. Unfortunately, I haven't found any yet.

I'd be interested to hear your thoughts.

Mark,

I used to be in a similar situation. I wondered why more women weren't attracted to me and I was admittedly hopeless at flirting and dating. I had my shit together, was self employed, confident, and I was and still am a really nice guy. I of course wondered about the whole why girls go for assholes thing, and even started reading dating advice that I refused to take because I didn't want to be an asshole. I finally got some good dating help and in a very short period of time I had no lack of quality women in my life. What changed for me? Confidence and Assertiveness.

From your letter you don't seem very confident. In the spirit of Heartless Bitches International, I have to roast you a bit. You admit you are a loser in your letter and start blaming women for it all. You are claiming the victim here. That is a very unattractive quality.

So bad luck with women aside, you claim all you are looking for is a women who is not a liar, is not cruel, and has morals? I can find some homeless crazy chick who will fit those criteria for you. Notice all of your criteria is centered around what women have done to you in the past? You are like a cowering animal walking around hoping to find someone who won't eat you. Every predatory emotionally damaged woman in a ten square mile radius is going to be smelling prey when they see you. Predators smell weakness, that is why you keep getting those women.

In your letter you imply you went on a date with a girl to a restaurant. After you told her how you felt about her she stopped talking to you and ridiculed you with another guy she just met? Why didn't you stand up for yourself or at least leave? My guess is you spilled your guts out to a woman you hadn't even asked out on a real date in the middle of a social situation with your friends all around. You set yourself up for embarrassment. If you haven't even asked a girl out it is not time to bare your soul on how you feel about her. Start with getting a date. Try asking a girl out for coffee, it is way less pressure on both of you.

Look at yourself first. Are you someone you would date? Do you have a fulfilling life that makes you happy? If not get on it! Go pick up some new hobbies and things you like to do for yourself. Stop blaming the world and women for anything and do something about it. Do whatever you need to do to be confident about your life and who you are. Don't know where to start; go do some of the confidence and conversation exercises over at http://www.charismatips.com/?p=123

Next get assertive. When you talk to a girl you like, ask her out within the first or first couple times you talk with her, or at least ask for her phone number. In the coaching that I do I teach specific things you can do and say to improve your conversation skills and get her to go out with you. Simplified it all boils down to getting to know her a bit and confidently asking for her phone number leading to asking her out. Don't let rejection get to you, if every girl you knew asked you out you wouldn't say yes to all of them either.

It is not an easy road to recovery for "nice guys". You have to start with getting a life you are proud of to build some confidence. Next you need to practice being assertive and going after what you want. Start practicing conversation skills and becoming more social and ask women out that you meet. Social and dating skills are something that has to be learned like anything else. Some people learn them quickly, others have to practice and fail at it a bunch until they get the hang of it. Good luck to you though, I went through many of the same things myself and it is not always easy.

Dan
Charisma Coaching
http://www.charismatips.com


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