Auntie Dote is HBI's answer to the usual, treacly, self-help advice columnists.

Disclaimer: This isn't an advice website. Yet from time to time we receive email asking for the Heartlessly Bitchy point of view. If you need serious medication, therapy or professional help, seek elsewhere. However, if you still insist on soliciting OUR advice, just remember...


All submissions become the property of HBI and by sending email to Auntie Dote you thereby give your permission for letters and responses (sans identifying information) to be published on the website. No emails will be answered individually.

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Ask Auntie Dote
The Auntie Dote for what ails you...


[Dear Auntie Dote,]


My boyfriend has an anger problem. He's ditched me at the last second (even to bring his friend somewhere he was gonna bring me to) or just ditched me in general and apologizes and does it again. Then when I call him out on it he gets mad and turns the blame around at me saying im overreacting and that I hold him too hard to his promises and commitments hes made to me. I feel like if I can get him to see my way without him getting angry it could improve our relationship. I just want him to see that hes the one in the wrong and have him not do it again. Is it true that respect and kindness needs to be earned in a relationship? Because I think thats bullshit. I need help and I need you because I've always been bad at standing up for myself. He says it was out of line for me to be at his house crying and telling his mother what he did that hurt me and we both agreed he was being an asshole. Is it?




How old is this guy? How old are you? Yeah, you shouldn't be at his mother's house crying to her - if you are old enough to be in a relationship then you are too old to go crying to someone's momma when you disagree. (That kind of behavior just screams "immature".) But that doesn't mean he isn't an asshole. It just means you lack the right coping skills and enough spine to tell him where to get off.

It sounds to me like you need to consider ditching your boyfriend. Or at least start reading this part of the site and assessing whether this guy is really worth it:

The Manipulator Files

He may just be young, or he may be stringing you along, but in any case, if he cannot live up to his commitments, and he's saying YOU are to blame for holding him to them, then that's a HUGE red flag. You don't EARN respect and kindness in a love relationship. TRUST is the foundation of a solid, healthy love relationship. If it isn't there from the start, get the fuck out. This is the courtship honey, it doesn't get any better than this.... so if it sucks NOW....why are your staying?

Grow up. Grow a spine, find someone who can treat you with respect - better yet just try being on your own and learning to like and respect yourself well enough WITHOUT some guy in the picture. Then the next time you get interested in a guy, you'll have some self-respect, and it's more likely he'll be someone worth dating.


-Auntie Dote

Copyright© "Auntie Dote" & Heartless Bitches International ( 2008
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