Despite our best efforts to dissuade you, many of you have still decided to write to us with your problems, complaints and crises of the moment. We don't have a trained therapist on staff, and this isn't "Dear F*ckin' Abbey", but we DO have Bonnie, who has graciously volunteered her time and heartless perspectives in order to minister to (or macerate) the misguided, with "Dear Fuckin' Bon..."

June 10, 2001

For some reason I really like it when someone writes asking for confirmation of their understanding of Heartless Bitches. And for some reason I really LOVE it when they half-answer their own question in the process. Here's a couple of nice letters from folks who mostly got it.

Hey bitch!

I have been benefiting from your pop-culture list very much, so thanks for it!

I'd like to know your point of view, about what does a heartless bitch grow up to be?

Actually, one grows up to be a Heartless Bitch. Any road that gets you there is ok (or at least necessary).

I'm used to saying that I'm a feminist when needed if someone asks me if I am one. I think I am a heartless bitch too when needed, and I think its a healthy way of living. If I haven't gotten you wrong, your heartless bitchynes is too 'when needed'. Otherwise I cannot see the point.

I puzzled over this for a bit, Anna. When is it *not* necessary to be in control of oneself and take responsibility? I think you're saying that you don't get aggressive or antagonistic unless you feel you must, and most of your letter indicates that you understand that just fine. Being capable of judging what action/attitude is necessary is part and parcel of being a Heartless Bitch, but I hope you understand it doesn't automatically mean that one is harsh.

I'm very very interested on this, so please answer and inlighten me! Womenhood is the thing that I study (Women research) and write about the most, so I'm a regular on your page.

Best wishes from Anna K.

Did I enlighten you? (and hey, I wasn't harsh at all!)
feeling Zen,
bon

I apologize to Fred for losing the last couple words in his paragraphs. One of the browsers got testy during the forward.

Dear Bon,
I first saw your site about 2 years ago. I was a constant reader then, but my studies prevented me from keeping up with you. Now that I found this little treasure again, I will be faithful viewer. I am a 22 year old man and I attend the University of Tennessee Martin. I do have one problem. I wouldn't call you ladies bitches. You are obviously intelligent and posses great integrity. The two attributes I value most. You also have no fear of speaking you mind. I love this in people. I do the same thing. I work for Housing in my university and I frequently voice my opinions about the problems Housing has. Well it cost me a promotion a couple of months ago, so I do understand the point you ladies make. I guess you call yourselves bitches because that is the label society has placed on women who are independent and loud mouthed. If so, then it is absolutely brilliant use of a derogatory (word? The last few words were lost).

Yes, we are in effect taking back the word. Thanks.

Now don't hold this against me, but I am a TRUE southern gentleman. I say "ma'am to women, I tip my hat to ladies, stand up in their presence, will give up my seat for them, open doors, offer to pay when out to eat and even walk on the side of traffic if on the sidewalk. However these customs seem to be unpopular now. I do this with no condescension in mind. Most of my closest allies and friends are girls. In fact the smartest and most dependable individuals I know are women. I am a black man that grew up in a two parent home. My folks divorced when I was 13, but my pops was always around. They (especially my pops) instilled in me a sense of pride about being kind and courteous. Now I understand that the term "ladies" is derogatory. I think that is some bullshit. If you feel that some of the simply polite and kind gestures and phrases I mentioned are outdated and offensive then plea

I'm really sorry that I lost the last words to this one, but based on your tone I'm reasonably certain that you were saying you didn't intend to be offensive. You weren't offensive at all. I think the key verb you use above is "offered." If you note, any "nice guys" who are spitted or flamed are treated in that manner for using mannerisms or "traditions" to control or manipulate. Bitches love manners, they just don't like to be manipulated, told what to do, or buttonholed into a "place," especially that fabled worship pedestal, where one is no longer a person at all.
If you are also comfortable allowing a woman to hold a door or offering to pay for your food without becoming frustrated or threatened, then I'd say you're just a very nice, very polite, very formal guy. However, if a woman chooses to open a door, pay her way, or objects to being called a lady (or any other name she personally doesn't like) and you feel that is improper or in some way not right, you are not treating her like a person, and you need to examine your own assumptions about what those impeccable manners mean. Since you enjoy and appreciate HBI so much, my guess is you're a very nice and very formal man, and I'm sure some (or one) strong and classy ladies(y) appreciate that very much.

This is a great sight keep up the good work.

Thanks again for the lovely letter
bon