Despite our best efforts to dissuade you, many of you have still decided to write to us with your problems, complaints and crises of the moment. We don't have a trained therapist on staff, and this isn't "Dear F*ckin' Abbey", but we DO have Bonnie, who has graciously volunteered her time and heartless perspectives in order to minister to (or macerate) the misguided, with "Dear Fuckin' Bon..."

March 3, 2002

Dear Fuckin' Bon:

As I read your column about emotional blackmailers, I found half of the statements to apply to me and the other half to apply to my son's father.

I left him one year ago after I found out he served three years in prison for phone harrassment - threats to injure - a woman in seattle 20 years ago. ("He was trying to save her from a cult" blechhh") And I saw him "chase down" his ex-girlfriend for something petty pound his fist in the wall and bring her to tears while I was 8 months pregnant. He never harmed me or threatened to harm me.

You're smarter than most that he didn't "have" to do it to you for you to understand that a man (or woman) with those tendencies will continue to be abusive. Good for you!

I brought up finding out about his past and he immediately blamed me for being snoopy. So I confided in a friend, ended up having an affair with him(reeeal smart), and left before this guy could find out.

Well, it was dumb, and you know it was dumb. All you can do by having an affair is basically blow a hole through the bottom of your own boat, sinking it. It is always-ALWAYS-- better to end one thing before starting another. It is not, however, the reality in many cases. I'm just glad you got out before he became threatening to you.

Now, he wants to do "anything possible" to bring his family back together (me and our son). After being apart for one year- including seeing a psychiatrist, groups etc. -- before the end of civilization happens (since the world trade center incident). (he's believed in the end of the world most of his life)

Now that our lives are so peaceful and wonderful without him.

He was like a wounded puppy when I met him and now he's like a pitbull that changes to a wounded puppy whenever he wants something.

Help.

You already know the answer, honey. You *know* that his desperation will make him more on edge. You KNOW your lives are "peaceful and wonderful" without him. If you're thinking of your children I would, before making ANY other decisions, agree to meet with him WITH A COUNSELOR, so that if he starts to get smarmy and slick they can also help keep him under control.

You're already telling ME you don't trust him and you don't want to get back on the merry-go-round. PLEASE listen to yourself. You are right, I guarantee it.

You're advice is great if you don't have a child with someone, but what do you do when it's too late?

The Puppy-Keeper

Too late is relative. Is it too late for you not to have to be involved with him on some level for the good of your children? Maybe, if he stays out of trouble (a violent father is not a good thing for them either). It is NOT too late for you to stay free of any emotional relationship with him that will "trap" you, and you CLEARLY know that already. It is also not too late for you to show how strong and independent YOU are to your children, as opposed to getting embroiled with their father again if he is negative and violent. It is NEVER too late to keep the violence from reaching your children, so do NOT convince yourself that someone who did time for threatening behavior is going to be all gentle, sweet, and fuzzy. You know better.

Do you have classes on how to become a heartless bitch and why it might be a good idea to become one?

I wish we did. But there are other things you can do, taking parenting classes, getting involved either with a counselor or with women's groups (and hearing other women's stories about how they "gave him one more chance" which was the time he really threatened/beat/whatever her may be exactly what you need.)

Stay free, there are men out there who do NOT have to threaten *any*one in their lives and who additionally will treat YOU with respect, which will be really good for your kids. You sound really strong, or you wouldn't have gotten out in the first place. Do NOT waver now.

Good luck, and please feel free to update me to let me know that you're tougher and more independent than ever.…
bon