Despite our best efforts to dissuade you, many of you have still decided to write to us with your problems, complaints and crises of the moment. We don't have a trained therapist on staff, and this isn't "Dear F*ckin' Abbey", but we DO have Bonnie, who has graciously volunteered her time and heartless perspectives in order to minister to (or macerate) the misguided, with "Dear Fuckin' Bon..."

October 21, 2001

I'm answering your letter as it came to me. For anyone thinking of writing in, be aware that if you really care about what you're saying, you don't need to try to fancy it up. I'd rather be able to read it more readily. My email program is html compatible, so either yours is not, or you have lousy skills in this area. Probably both.

Dear Fuckin' Bon, THe reasons for my letter is that I'm hoping you could give me advice on not being nice. This is my Diary!, (not so nice girl)

What does this mean? You sent me a diary entry or that this is your daily version of your life or you're making a plug for an on-line diary?

Then I was made fun when I called the manager by the wrong name. It was a mindnumbing 5 hours for me.I made a mistake, opps.

Well, if your clarity is this good in everyday situations, it may be because they thought you made a joke. And 5 hours...wait, this is your workplace? You couldn't correctly identify a manager who you work for? Don't they have little name-tags?

"D" was beside me so in her vain little head she made a joke, "What, did you say? "D" suddenly let out a loud butt ugly laugh; "J" joined in. But it wasn't an inviting laugh.It was condescending and mean and I wanted to know what the big deal was. In my head I said "ok let's move on now!"I grabbed my head with my hands and apologized to the manager with a smile so I wouldn't seem so serious. So as I sat down I told a fellow employee that I wanted to box "D." PUNCH HER HARD!I had enough of her, from day 1 she was a bitch to me. Whenever we made eye contact,there was something in the eyes that said "bite me"!

OK, so you don't recognize your workplace superiors, and you antagonize and loathe your co-workers. I'm still stuck on the mental image of you grabbing your head with your hands while you apologize and smile at the manager. You sound a little alarming, and not because you plan to box anyone.

"R"s article cracked open some of my old fashioned sentiments on what it means to be nice;for instance niceness not necessarily means moral or innocent.

Whoa. You are way out there paddling around the left-field pool of existentialism.

I really, really want to shake this NICE GIRL HABIT. I'm really pissing myself off by staying quiet and cheery on the outside.

Oh, good, this I understand. For starters, you need to start being more honest and direct. Though threatening to assault a coworker is none of the above.

Its fine to smile but as my day progress there is always some smart ass who gives me a quip and insult( at my expense); I feel helplessly goofy.Instead of talking back or making a joke at the same level as theirs; I just complancently fake a laugh and smother the comments internally.

If this is all about your workplace, I would suggest you look for other employment; however, I'm afraid that the paranoia is just how you are, and you simply don't know how you get there.

This passivity rewarded me with thoughts of punching the wise cracker out; I am left with anger and then helplessness.

My guess it's the other way around, helplessness is what begets anger, more often than not. I would recommend you try to find a counselor, since I don't think you have a very good grasp of cause and effect when it comes to interactions with other people. You don't seem to have any awareness of your attitude/comments affecting others, so no comprehension of what YOU could do to change YOUR relationships with others and therefore improve your work or personal situation.

You seem to think that all these people/situations/things keep happening TO you. As if you have absolutely no control over or impact on the situation. And your underlying rage is quite alarming, making you paranoid about any comment directed to you. Please seek counseling before your feelings OR actions get completely out of control.

Deep down inside, I know that I'm smart, witty and I can't always let it show with niceness. Never has acting nice and complacency made me as unhappy as I am now.Right now, I just want to be a bitch ,one who can send a joke and stand up for herself at the same time. How do I handle situations and ease out the bitch in me and let people know when I am upset.

The thing is that you don't sound "nice" at all. You sound like someone who is profoundly fake in social interactions, and who regards those interactions with suspicion and anger. People CAN see that, so your "niceness" most likely isn't covering up all your negative feelings well at all.

My advice is to get some anger management coupled with seeing a therapist who can help you to be more honest with yourself, help you see the consequences of your interactions and behavior, and help you to work on communicating in direct, healthy and productive ways.

Thank you,
Not So Nice Inside

Good luck,
bon