December 12, 2002
I have a situation and your advice would be most
I will try to keep this short and put only relevant details. PRIMER. Been with girlfriend for 18 months. She had a drinking problem. She got verbally abusive each time she drank - she qualified for Narcissic Personality Disorder when in that alcohol influenced state (see Sam Vankin's site for real detailed info) . Whatever she did/said in that time was forgotten each time (she did not recall anything). First time I should have dumped her right there, but being a (stupid) gentleman I gave her a chance, thought she would wake up one day. Never woke up. Things repeated 4-5 times...until I got angry. Dumped her. Had to. Did not feel anything for her anymore. THEN reality got in her skull, she cried for a week, and stopped drinking. She has been the most considerate (read human) person ever since. It has been 3 months. PROBLEM. Even though she has changed and has been flawless in her conduct, emotionnally, I am still as dead as ever. I CANNOT FORGIVE. Either what she did, how she said it, and my being stupid enough for not respecting myself and letting her use words and guilt ('what about our months together, doesn't that weigh in?' I hear her saying) to keep me during those months. Now, she's flawless, she wants my feelings to go back to where they were. Yeah Right. The way I see it, she bought here on ticket on this one. I cannot see her as anything but a mistress. She does not deserve emotions from me after what she did. She kicked it out all of me, and now she cries about the result. Deal with it is the only thing I can say. So here I am. She has changed (actions). I cannot say anything on her new conduct. I know I will never forgive what I saw. QUESTIONS... can it come back? And how does it? I am all for hope, patience, and similar stuff, but man, is there such a thing as irreversible damage and thing that cannot go unpunished? My first reflex is to tell her to forget everything, move on with her life, that I cannot guarantee anything back. She loves me. I don't love her anymore. Normal. Can it get better? Just feel like I have been mind raped. Only thing I long for is revenge. Eye for an eye, William Wallace style. That is not honorable. Where do you draw the line? Can you love back somebody who did in you, even though that person repented? I don't want to fool anybody on the time necessary for my 'recovery'. Being in unknown territory, I do not have the foggiest idea of the process, time and things to come. Advice, anyone?
Thank you in advance!