July 29, 2001
Dear Fuckin' Bon;
I don't know whether it's the fact that I'm creeping ever-closer to thirty
or the fact that even the most starry-eyed 'optimist' (read: dullard) can
have a learning curve when it comes to certain things.
Oh, I admit to it all. Being in shitty relationship after shitty
relationship with substandard men. Indulging in gigantic amounts of
self-pity. Thinking that my only worth lay in the fact that I *was* a good
lay. Playing dumb so as to not intimidate stupid men, up to the point where
my brains actually atrophied inside my skull. Things like that.
I could spend paragraphs detailing *why* I was like that, but I'll spare
you. Besides, it's not all that important. What's important is what comes
How does one self-proclaimed ex-bimbo, ex-drama-queen, ex-wimp start out her
new life as a happily single, unabashedly smart, take-no-shit kind of woman
when everyone around her remembers her as the dullard she once was? Do I go
and get new friends who don't know of my sordid past?
I've tried asserting myself and my new way of being, but people only
remember me for what I used to be, and even though it shouldn't matter, it
stings when people won't give me a chance to redeem myself. It would be
easy to slip back into the old way of being, since that's what everyone
expects, but it's not something I want to do.
Imagine if, say, Brittany Spears went on walkabout in the desert or had some
sort of spiritual epiphany and decided when she came back that she wanted to
do Throbbing Gristle-like industrial music. People wouldn't take her
seriously. Her ex-fans would hate her. People into industrial would giggle
their asses off. You know what I mean?
Any advice? Thanks in advance.