May 8, 2003
Dear fucking Bon,
I need a heartless perspective and Iím hoping you can help. My kid sister is a functioning delusional sociopath . I donít mean this in the derogatory sense, but in the literal medical sense. She has major episodes which destroy her live and the lives of those around her. But she is functional, in that she can hold a job for brief periods of time, she is raising her daughter on her own and has managed to create a semblance of life for herself.
She needs help, professional help but her brain tells her that all doctors are out to get her and she refuses to seek the attention she needs. In the past, Iíve taken her in, paid her bills, baby-sat my niece and done what I could. I only asked that she go back on her medication while living with me. She does and her life gets better, so she moves out on her own, then decides that sheís strong enough to go off the meds which puts her back where she started.
Its a horrible vicious cycle. One that hurts her so much. Sheís basically fallen into this "one step forward, two steps back" rut that now defines her life.
5 years ago, she came to me for help again but refused the meds. I told her that I could not have her living with me under those conditions. (Thereís a very good reason for this. She gets very physically violent. Broke my momís arm once while raging that my mother was a satanist who had try to sell her off to be sacrificed. Which is the reason my mom wont take care of her anymore.) When I refused her she moved out of town and I didnít hear from her for 5 years.
Iíd be lying if I said I wasnít relieved to have my life back. In these last 5 years, I managed to set myself up with a great job, good friends, a place I really like and a strong supportive relationship. Iím pretty happy where I am.
But sheís back. She seems better. Has a new job, a little place. My nephew seems to be OK, heís a B student who makes friends easily. My sister is very proud of the fact that she "doesnít need any medication". I hope sheís right, I really do, but the fact that sheís already mentioned that I was just trying to persecute her and keep her down kinda worries me. And, of course, she just needs a little help while she gets back on her feet. Sheís already determined that her current boss is a rapist and that sheís his next target.
Hereís the problem. I donít want to help her any more. Itís exhausting, expensive and time-consuming. Iím so very tired of trading my life for hers. I canít make her take her meds. And I canít make her life better. If she was a stranger, Iíd have nothing to do with her. But sheís my sister. You donít get to choose your family but you are responsible for them. Other people have their own families to worry about.
What the hell would you do?