October 14, 2001
Dear Fuckin' Bon,
I am 21 years old, and about to be a senior in college. However, my grandma
(whom I was very close to) died seven months ago, and ever since then, I
feel like my life has been off track. My grades have suffered, as has my
performance at work and my social life. I have felt very little motivation
to do anything, which has really affected my life. I know that I need to
get it together, but I can't seem to get out of this rut. I used to think I
knew exactly where I was going, but any more I feel like I am going no
where. In the meantime, I have had a really hard time dealing with my
grandma's death. Everyone else in the family seems to be moving on, but I
keep getting hit in the face with all of this grief and anger and guilt.
The guilt is maybe the worst, and knowing that it is unfounded and
nonproductive does not make it go away. I feel guilty because I could have
called her more or gone to see her more, or whatever. I know that she knew
that I loved her, and that I was really busy going to school full time and
working full time, but I can't help thinking that I still should have been
around more than I was. Anyway, I have been thinking about seeing a
therapist for it, but I am not sure that I can. I don't personally think
that there is anything wrong with seeking help if you need it, but I know
that my family does. They think that anyone that goes into therapy is both
crazy and weak. I know that I am legally an adult, but I respect my parents
and their opinion of me still matters. In the meantime, I feel like I am
floundering. What should I do?
- Loss of interest and pleasure in activities formerly enjoyed.
- Noticeable change of appetite, with either significant weight loss not attributable to dieting or weight gain.
- Noticeable change in sleeping patterns, such as fitful sleep, inability to sleep, early morning awakening, or sleeping too much.
- Loss of energy, fatigue.
- Feelings of worthlessness.
- Persistent feelings of hopelessness.
- Feelings of inappropriate guilt.
- Inability to concentrate or think, indecisiveness.
- Melancholia (defined as overwhelming feelings of sadness and grief) accompanied by waking at least two hours earlier than normal in the morning, feeling more depressed in the morning, and moving significantly more slowly.
- Disturbed thinking, a symptom developed by some severely depressed persons. For example, severely depressed people sometimes have beliefs not based in reality about physical disease, sinfulness, or poverty.
- Physical symptoms, such as headaches or stomachaches.
- Recurring thoughts of death or suicide, wishing to die, or attempting suicide. (Note: People suffering this symptom should receive treatment immediately!)