September 28, 2002
From: Female flame form
COMMENTS: Okay, I got this Email from my fiance, and I'm wondering what
you guys think of it. Can you email me back at firstname.lastname@example.org?
I don't even listen to Beck. I figured I could do without whiteboy rapping
overlayed by accordians and orchestral arrangements, from a singer who owns a
pimplike discoteque attitude. And I was told about his new album, SEA
CHANGES. I was told by friends that it wasn't like his other albums. I was
told I'd like it. I was told it was right up my alley. So I bought it.
This album is good.
This album is my mood.
I never would have guessed. I never would have imagined that, for a second
time, an album would reflect my mind, my mood, my heart. The only other
instance was when I purchased Nick Cave's NO MORE SHALL WE PART last year.
So strange, that was, his lyrics reflecting so much that you and I had gone
through in our short relationship. So very strange, words from another's
mouth reflecting my own feelings, my own inner emotion and the cracking, ugly
outer shell encasing them. Who would have guessed? I'd never listened to
Beck. I would have never bought a Beck album. I never would have listened
to a Beck album. Who needed "Odelay"? Who needed "Sex Laws"? Who needed
"Loser"? Surely, not me. But... who needs "Guess I'm Doing Fine"? Who
needs "It's All In Your Mind"? Who needs "Lonesome Tears"?
can I tell you something?
I have a very dark feeling...
You won't make it home to me.
If you stay there... then God will continue to shun my prayers.
And then you won't make it home to me.
You need someone more than me. You want me to hold you. You want me to keep
you safe. But you're there. And I'm here. And you don't want to be here
anymore. You want to leave this state. You want to move forward and forward
until backwards is no longer an option of last resort. You are so strong.
You are so determined. So determined, more often than not, it's frightening;
You would continue to walk a road of hot coals long after your feet have
burned to ash.
Are you ever you? Do you ever think that, if you make it out there alive,
and we are to be married, that we could live without you resting your head on
the shoulder of a pill or holding the hand of a medication? Or do you think
you'd try to kill me, or lose me in the process of finding yourself? Do you
ever think these things? Do you ever wonder what life would be like without
me? Do you ever think that I actually had NO hand in any of your progression
since last year?
Do you tire of my selfishness? Do you tire of the clash of personality? I
would figure that my persistance alone of wanting you back home, and saying
it over and over again, would give you the want, the NEED, to stay away from
here just for the spite of it. Or perhaps, to test ME; to see if I would be
willing to come there to you. There's no need to test me. I love this
place, and you hate it. I have family and friends here that mean worlds to
me. But in the large test of time, in the most dire of situations, I would
leave it all behind.
You say you need me. Is it you saying that, or the prescription moving its
way through your body? Do you really feel that without me, you wouldn't be
alive? Do you really feel that I had such a majour aide in your life, that
you would need me reinforcing myself when you felt you couldn't handle the
Sometimes I sit and wonder if... if all i'm doing is setting myself up. I
wonder if God is setting me up. A long time ago, I told you that I believed
God doesn't want me to be happy. Now I know that isn't the case. God wants
me to be happy... but I still can't have it. And when I do finally have it
in my grasp, ... he makes me suffer for it. Worse yet, he makes YOU suffer
My list of fear and worry is so long and detailed, it would make you cringe
just as you read the first 2 or 3 chapters of the worrisome epic alone.
So sometimes, only sometimes, I wonder why. I wonder, why, why, why would I
continue with all these fears in my head? Why would a human being tie
himself down with fears of his significant other having to be on medications
all the time, having fits, seizures, depression attacks, anxiety attacks,
fears, worry, sideeffects, ... Why would any deep-thinking human being live
with someone, constantly under a fear that they would never be themselves
dude to a pill? Why would someone want to spend their life with someone,
always fearing that any sideeffect can happen at any unpredictable moment?
And sometimes, only sometimes, I fear that your fear and pain will never fade
away. Why would someone spend a life with someone who has had fear and
painful memories control their life for so many years? Why would any man
take a chance at sleeping in the same bed with someone who at any moment
could scream out into the night, 10, 20, 30 years down the road?
But you know something?
I think these sometimes.
And then I remember that I Love You.
And love is forever.
I'd ask you to come home...
...but it seems to you, here is not home.
And I can't be selfish anymore.
So just smile, love.
your Nice in Shining Armour"