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But I'M NOT BITTER...
The Goddess of battle, strife, and destruction explains it all for you
by

January 23, 2003

My mailman is such an asshole. In a job renowned for attracting surly, unstable types, he is the prototype. Granted, being a Canadian mailman in the midst of winter is nobody's idea of fun, but hey, I didn't force him to take the frigging job.

Despite my "no flyers please" sign on my door, he regularly shoves forests full of junk mail through the slot. This alone would be annoying enough but last week, he pissed me off so much that I've been plotting my revenge ever since. (Let's just all agree from the get go that I have way too much time on my hands.)

I had just left the house early one afternoon when I saw him approach. I had been waiting for a certain piece of mail (no, not my pogey cheque) and was anxious to see if it had arrived. I said "Hi. Lousy weather. May I get those from you please?" and stood there smiling with my hand out. He shot me a foul look and said nothing, then shoved past me and pushed my mail through the slot. Then, with one more filthy glance at me, he turned and walked away.

Hello?? Does the term "public servant" mean anything to you?

I briefly considered buying a big nasty dog, but then hit on a much more elegant (and low maintenance) plan.

I'm sure all users of the internet are familiar with those "freebie" sites -- you send in your mailing address to various manufacturers and they send you free samples of their products. That night (insomnia again), I hit the net. I must have signed up for 400 offers -- everything from free tampons to rolls of free toilet paper and free packs of diapers (which I plan to donate to the shelter). I was online for HOURS.

Today, as I glanced out my front window (OK I was laying in wait, I admit it), I was gratified to see him staggering towards the house with an armful of unwieldy packages and oversized envelopes. I slipped out the front door just as he reached it. He glared at me, grunted and said "Here -- take these" -- and offered me the lot. "Oh just stick them through the door" I replied breezily as I skipped down the road, cackling evilly all the while. It must've have taken him 5 minutes to deliver it all -- and although I usually bemoan the wind tunnel that gathers around my door, this time I was positively grateful for it. Minus 25 celcius it was in Toronto today (with the windchill) and snowing like a bugger. I could hear him cursing from the corner.

I figure about 3 more months of this (around the time of the spring thaw) should teach him to mind his manners.

Till next time.

Morrigan



Copyright© The Morrigan & Heartless Bitches International (heartless-bitches.com) 2003, All Rights Reserved

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