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But I'M NOT BITTER...
The Goddess of battle, strife, and destruction explains it all for you

I'm Not Dead Yet

by

May 20, 2008

See?I told you thereíd be a next time.

Yesterday was not fun, but easier than I had reason to expect it to be, thanks entirely to Instigatrix who babysat me remotely from New York, fed me lots of online stories (her Brigade Saga Ė wonderfully silly and loads of funs) and kept me relatively grounded.

Thatís the thing about these crises though:you really find out who your friends are.

The cats and I survived yesterday (it was iffy there for a moment or two for Ivan, but that little bastard is faster than he looks) and no innocent bystanders were killed, so I guess itís all good.

Iím not at all thrilled about the fact that my day has begun at 5 a.m. and began with a cat fight that occurred on top of me.

Iíve got a headache from hell, but maybe things will look a bit better after Iíve had a coffee.Iíd really love to go back to bed, but itís pointless.I was lucky to get 6 hours sleep.

Iím listening to some wonderfully hypnotic music (Trespassers William Ė Different Stars) and reading the news.Things seem A-OK for sanity this morning, but Iím about to take my meds so thatíll change.

This is the hard part of this first bit, fellow seizurites:taking the meds when you have this much clarity and you donít particularly want to kill anyone.God, *this* feels great because some of the meds have cleared my system.Iím not back to normal or anything, but itís plain I donít have blood levels yet.†† I donít want to take the meds Ė but I just did.

You HAVE to keep doing it.Even though you know what youíre in for. Itís 5:30 a.m. now and Iíll check back in when my brain begins to melt.

This is all part of the Public Service Announcement thing.If thereís even ONE of you out there experiencing this and being scared, you need to know itís possible to get through it in one piece, with mind and personality relatively intact.Iím hauling you all along for the ride and it probably wonít be pretty.Until I get my sanity back in a more or less reliable form, youíll be getting a column a day on the process.Just in case it helps someone else.

And let me stress that things might be different for you.I metabolize things quickly.Really quickly.I heal really fast too.I clear drugs out of my system at light speed, which is probably why I didnít have appropriate levels in the first place.††

You might have a harder time of it.What might be a week of hell for me could turn into a month or so for you.Or it might be six months.Or it might not ever really end.

But donít go off your meds:youíll seize.And when you get suicidal or really angry, remember:itís just the drugs.

OK?I know what Iím talking about here.Just read through my back columns:youíll see that my seizures have been getting progressively worse since around 2004.

Back to the news for a bit.That ought to cheer me up.Stand byÖ.

And here we goÖ

Lunchtime now, or thereabouts and hereís another hint.Although you may feel perfectly up to it, going outside is probably not a good plan.Even old pros like me can get fooled into believing they can get away with it.Err on the side of caution:you probably shouldnít unless you absolutely have to.Itís dangerous.

I got stranded on someoneís lawn today when I went for a walk around the block and the world went wonky on me.It didnít last, but it wasnít fun.Hallucinations, for those not in the know, are also a feature of these meds.They go away too.Mine generally confine themselves to spatial and depth perception problems and are of short duration.I didnít stray far from home but I had to get out of here because Ivan wouldnít leave me alone.

Which brings me to the cardinal rule of riding this roller coaster:as far as you are able to, control your environment.That means keeping the neurological stimulation to a minimum or at least at a level youíre comfortable with.Soothing music, soft lights:whatever does the trick for you.Anything else is going to ramp up the anxiety and more anxiety is the last thing you need right now.

Oh, and stay away from the stove.Microwave everything, if youíre lucky enough to be able to eat.And no baths Ė just showers and make them quick.You donít want to lose your bearings in there, trust me on that.Avoid the stairs if youíve got them.Fainting on this stuff is common.

If youíre on other prescribed medications, write down what you take and when you take it. This is very important.You might forget to take an essential medication or you could accidentally overdose.And ONLY take what youíre supposed to take, when youíre supposed to take it.Do not take anything else.No alcohol.No pot smoking or whatever else youíve heard will calm you down.I know youíll be desperate for some relief from this but the last thing your brain needs now is MORE chemicals:leave it alone.

Safety first.

Another important thing?No self-pity.Absolutely none.Itíll lead you right back to those nasty little suicidal feelings, so if you start feeling sorry for yourself, shut it down immediately.Music helps with that.I highly recommend Eminemís ďLose YourselfĒ, but find something that suits your own taste.

Feel like youíre crazy?Technically you are, but itís not your fault, so calm down.Your brain chemistry is being fundamentally and profoundly altered by the drugs Ė itís bound to be a bit unnerving.If you start feeling like an outcast because of it, have a look at this snippet from Jack Kerouac and remember that not everybody hates crazy people:

The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the starsÖ

Laughing really helps.Who cares if other people think youíre nuts?

A case in point.

Today I also had to go out to get my blood levels checked and I had to pick up another prescription.(This was the sortie that convinced me I was OK to go for a walk.)

As I stood in Shoppers Drug Mart, I glanced over at the magazine rack and saw this monthís Cosmopolitan.On the cover was a huge banner advertising an article promising to let you in on ďThe Secret to Getting a Man Scorching Hot in Under 60 SecondsĒ.I instantly had a visual of dousing some poor bastard in gasoline and setting him on fire.This struck me as the most hilarious thing in the world and I stood there laughing darkly as people just stared at me.

So what?I didnít actually do it, but it sure was fun to imagine.

And nobody died.

See you tomorrow.

M.



Copyright© the Morrigan & Heartless Bitches International (heartless-bitches.com) 2008
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