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But I'M NOT BITTER...
The Goddess of battle, strife, and destruction explains it all for you

Who Would You Do?

by

 

November 22, 2005

 

It is widely supposed (by men and my mother) that “locker room conversations” are exclusively within the purview of the male of the species.  I’ve always wondered why this myth (and the “size doesn’t matter” fairytale) has persisted for so long. 

 

Women are absolutely the worst offenders.  Hands down.

 

Unlike men, we rarely lie – and if we do, it’s generally to shield the gentleman in question from ridicule rather than to make ourselves look good.  Let’s face it – we don’t have the same performance anxiety that compels men to tell bald-faced lies to their friends. 

 

(But to be honest, there’s a fair amount of ridiculing going on too.  Ever since my friend Susannah confessed that her boyfriend – our mutual friend, Carl – called his penis “Officer Friendly”, I have not been able to look at him with a straight face. And just a hint, gentlemen, be careful of your between the sheets conversation.  Exhortations to “take the whole 12 inches baby” made by a man who is less than generously endowed is almost guaranteed to become the source of side-splitting hilarity among the girlfriends of your bedmate.

 

We talk about everything – from sexual difficulties to the location of the best bikini waxer and all points in between.  How to let a guy down easy, how to get over a man who just dumped us.  How to fake it and get away with it (to be employed only in the most extreme circumstances.)  That sort of thing.

 

I doubt you’d hear any man casually asking his buddies what he should do about erectile difficulties.  Never going to happen.  Men seem to need to foster the impression that they are all sexual dynamos, capable of satisfying any woman, anywhere, anytime.

 

If that were true, I doubt my junk email box would be full of solicitations for penis growth creams and cut rate Viagra.  Let’s face it ladies – even though there have been recent warnings from Health Canada that Viagra might cause blindness, men are still going to be lining up for the stuff.  Even if it were established that Viagra made men’s eyes explode, guys would still be buying it by the truckload.

 

Women will talk about their insecurities (sexual and otherwise) to their friends and do it freely and with excruciating honesty.  Sometimes it’s hilarious.  Sometimes it’s heartbreaking.  But we do discuss it.

 

Outside of the locker room, however, we tend to be subtler about it.  Being discreet gives us the advantage – we get to retain the butter wouldn’t melt façade while still have an uproarious time with our girlfriends.

 

Take, for example, the worldwide phenomenon of “Who Would You Do?”  The game is pretty self-explanatory but does involve a complex scoring system.  And every single woman I know is an aficionado of the game.  Every single one.  And I know a lot of women.

 

Who Would You Do can be divided into general categories (i.e. firemen – my personal favourite) or specific lust objects (Ioan Gruffudd is mine) and can encompass obvious favourites (Brad Pitt) and the bizarre (Johnny Knoxville).  Even those men who set off obvious gaydar alarms (Wentworth Miller, for example) can be included – this is the female version of fantasy football, so anything goes.

 

There’s an online version of the game going on as we speak – involving contributions from me (Canada), Marti (Australia), Anna (Norway), Anita (Pakistan), Josee (France) and Ulrike (Germany).  Natalie is a grand master.  I’m no slouch myself.  The best part about it?  We all like different types.  OK, we agree on a few – I’ve recently begun to see the merit in Natalie’s Ben Browder argument, but I’m totally stumped by Josee’s attachment to Orlando Bloom, which to my mind borders on lesbianism.  And I take back the Jude Law thing (thereby forfeiting 25 valuable points).  Any rat who cheats with the nanny automatically is off the list, regardless of how cute he is.  And those nude pictures were a rude awakening – as one woman succinctly observed, he’s got his father’s eyes and his mother’s penis.

 

We’ve even developed shorthand – phrases that can be blamelessly uttered in public and seem innocuous but are actually lurid comments on the allure of the various males that may cross our paths.

 

It was Marti from Australia who posted a photo of a young man who took her fancy, with the comment “…and I would shag him at least ten different ways.”  This caught on with the rest of us – now all we have to say in public is “ten different ways” and we all get the message without appearing coarse to passersby.

 

Is it sexist?  Mais oui -- insofar as men would mind being sexually objectified.  In fact, I’m not even sure that’s even possible.  Most of them would consider it a great compliment.

 

But really, it’s a harmless form of female bonding.  We’d all die before letting these guys know we had the hots for them, of course, and most of them we are never going to meet.

 

So there you go:  pastimes of the overworked and dateless.  Give it a try sometime.  You’ll be surprised at how addictive it is.

 

Till next time,

 

Morrigan



Copyright© the Morrigan & Heartless Bitches International (heartless-bitches.com) 2004
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