< Heartless Bitches International - I'M NOT BITTER...




Active Columns:

Mar 21, 2010 - Deja Vu
Mar 28, 2010 - SeizurePalooza
Oct 18, 2009 - Born to Run
Oct 12, 2009 - Give it a Rest
Oct 2, 2009 - ...Bitch on a Budget
May 12, 2009 - The Brazilian
Feb 14, 2009 - My date with "Adam"
Feb 6, 2009 - Valentine's Day? BAH!
Feb 2, 2009 - Won't get Fooled...
Jan 14, 2009 - Here Kitty Kitty...
Jan 12, 2009 - On The Mend
Dec 12, 2008 - A Not-So-Merry Christmas
Dec 8, 2008 - Ivan's Move
Nov 30, 2008 - Quick Update
Nov 7, 2008 - And God Says...
Nov 6, 2008 - It's Not Looking Good...
Sep 24, 2008 - Shake Hands With The Devil
Sep 23, 2008 - It's Just Like Paris
Sep 17, 2008 - Memoirs of a Catholic...
Sep 16, 2008 - Suicidal Tendencies
Sep 15, 2008 - Fat is a Feminist Issue
Sep 14, 2008 - Get Me Out of Here
Sep 13, 2008 - Living with the 'rents
May 20, 2008 - I'm Not Dead Yet
May 19, 2008 - PSA
Apr 29, 2008 - Are You There God?
Apr 14, 2008 - Frightening the Neighbors
Mar 17, 2008 - The Border
Mar 10, 2008 - The Vibrator
Oct 8, 2007 - Ivan the Terrible
Sept 20, 2007 - Depression?
July 19, 2007 - An Update
July 3, 2007 - A Good Catch
March 26, 2007 - Crushed
March 19, 2007 - Adieu le feu
March 12, 2007 - Taking a Chance
Feb 26, 2007 - Biological Clock
Oct 16, 2006 - Determination...
July 15, 2006 - The Puppy
July 10, 2006 - The Gastroenterologist
July 8, 2006 - The Neurology Ward
Nov 21, 2005 - Who Would You Do?
Nov 14, 2005 - Shaved Pussies
Nov 7, 2005 - Avoidance
Sep 26, 2005 - love, kindness, missed chances
Aug 2, 2005 - Geoff the Entomologist
Aug 1, 2005 - Revenge
May 11, 2005 - Going for it
May 21, 2005 - The Green Thumb
Apr 22, 2005- Barry Again
Apr 21, 2005 - The Rectal Syringe
Apr 18, 2005 - Butterflies of Love
Apr 17, 2005 - No escape
Apr 10, 2005 - Meeting Colin Farrell
Oct 17, 2004 - Oops, I've done it again
Oct 21, 2004 - Lust
Oct 30, 2004 - Of Mice and Men
Nov 5, 2004 - What the FUCK...?
Oct 12, 2004 - The US Election
Oct 11, 2004 - MegaCleanse
Oct 5, 2004 - Life Sucks
Jul 8, 2004 - The Horoscope
Jun 15, 2004 - Seven Deadly Sins
Apr 24, 2004 - Going Out
Feb 24, 2004 - Tails
Jan 24, 2004 - The Decorator
Aug 25, 2003
July 18, 2003
July 17, 2003
July 16, 2003
May 19, 2003
May 18, 2003
May 17, 2003
May 16, 2003
May 1, 2003
Mar 10, 2003
Jan 25, 2003
Jan 24, 2003
Jan 23, 2003
Apr 30, 2002
Apr 30, 2003
May 29, 2002
May 12, 2002
May 18, 2001
January 10, 2001
December 11, '00
April 17, '00
But I'M NOT BITTER...
The Goddess of battle, strife, and destruction explains it all for you

Give It A Rest

by

Oct 12, 2009

I love this apartment.† Itís central, cheap and Iíve fixed it up quite nicely.

Until quite recently, it was nice and quiet too.

Then my upstairs neighbour got herself a new boyfriend and I havenít had a wink of sleep since then.† I donít sleep much anyway, but every time I lay my weary head down, these two start screwing.† And, as it happens my upstairs neighbour is quite the screamer.† And unless Iím very much mistaken, quite the faker.

When it first happened, I didnít know what was going on.† It sounded like there were wolverines being fed through a shredder and I became quite concerned - until the cheesy porno dialogue began.

Oh my God, does this girl have a set of lungs on her!† And theyíre at it constantly!† This entire building is made of concrete and yet itís like sheís right here beside me, the filthy harlot.

After several successive evenings of this, I had about as much as I could take.† Iíd been up for a few days running and I was in a foul temper.† Just as I crawled into bed and put my exhausted head on the pillow, the caterwauling began anew.† I wanted to march up there with my sword and kill the pair of them, but instead I sat down and composed a neighbourly little letter.† The pen being mightier than the sword and all that.

Dear Upstairs Neighbour:

Congratulations on your shiny new sex life!† We havenít met yet, but I feel I know you so well already.

But please tone down the screaming, OK?† They can hear you on Saturn.† This used to be such a peaceful place to live and if you keep it up with the concert volume mooing and carrying on, youíre bound to lower your standing in the community.

This letter is just a friendly - but final - warning that there will be consequences if the volume level doesnít drop dramatically.† Learn to bite the pillow, woman, for the love and honour of God.† And puleeze:† "Oh baby, youíre so big; youíre the best I ever had"?† Do you really expect him to fall for THAT old chestnut?† How gullible is this guy?† Nor am I especially interested in your desire to take it up the ass, to be perfectly candid.† Iím sure it thrills him, but to be honest Upstairs Neighbour Iíd rather not have my dreams haunted by that particular visual.

Now that youíve been officially put on notice, I can advise that if it happens again I will feel no qualms about joining in with the festivities.† I will stand on my bed and hold the speakers right up against the ceiling and serenade the pair of you with a selection of music Iíve downloaded to enhance MY pleasure.† Letís see if the two of you can manage to fuck along to Weird Al Yankovic or if loverboy can sustain his erection through Alvin and Chipmunks Greatest Hits.† Just to throw him off his stride and for the added startle effect, Iíve recently acquired an air horn and I have to confess, Upstairs Neighbour, I will not hesitate to use it.

I feel it only fair to advise you that Iím seriously sleep deprived and somewhat demented to begin with, and this sort of thing REALLY appeals to my sense of humour.† Trust me when I say that if I werenít so law abiding, Iíd consider scaling your balcony to gain access to your apartment during the day.† Once in your bedroom, I would sprinkle your bed liberally with these: http://www.revengecrabs.com/† However, as an officer of the court, I would never dream of doing such a thing.† Your cleaning lady, however, may have no such scruples.† It must be disheartening to have to face your crusty sheets every day.

Youíre playing with fire, Upstairs Neighbour.† Itíll only take the slightest nudge for me to adopt ruining your sex life as my personal crusade.

And whatís with your boyfriendís peeing?† Itís stop/start, stop/start, stop/start.† Maybe you should get him to a doctor.† Iíve got enough on my plate - I shouldnít have to fret about the possible prostate problems of a man Iíve never even met.

I mean business.

Regards,

Yours Downstairs Neighbour

 

Till next time,

Morrigan

 



Copyright© the Morrigan & Heartless Bitches International (heartless-bitches.com) 2009
go to top

Pause your cursor over each link below for a more detailed description

Home
Search HBI
HBI FAQ
   Rants
   Collected Quotes
   The Manipulator Files
   Nice Guys? BLEAH
   Links
    I'M NOT BITTER...
   Auntie Dote
   Honorary HBs
   Adult Books
   Kids Books
   Privacy Policy
   Awards
   HBI Sitings

---

Want to link to HBI?



  Want to know when we update? Subscribe to our "What's New" RSS Feed

(What is an RSS Feed?)


Get SharpReader - our favorite RSS aggregator - it's free!

If you don't have a Newsreader, you can subscribe to updates via email:

Enter your Email


Powered by FeedBlitz

Add this Content to Your Site