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But I'M NOT BITTER...
The Goddess of battle, strife, and destruction explains it all for you

Get Me Out Of Here

by

Sep 14, 2008

 

Sit back, my pretties. Iím in one of my Moods.You know what I mean:where I canít stop writing.I know you love it when Iím like this and it happens rarely enough so enjoy it.God knows, being stuck out here in the back of beyond with my parents means itís either I write another column or perfect my murder/suicide plot.Iím pretty much trapped here ladies:they donít give epileptics driverís licences and the nearest bus stop is an hourís walk away.

 

Iíve been exploring my options though.Iíve been Mulling It Over.

 

I would do just about anything to get out of here.For the record, this includes:

 

1.      Accepting a lift from Ted Bundy;

2.      Becoming a victim of an alien abduction;

3.      Spontaneously combusting.

 

Have I described this place?I donít quite know how to capture its essence.It has a charm that defies description and leaves me quite lost for words.

 

The area has a certain je ne sais quoi that I canít quite put my finger on.

 

Is it the world class shopping?

 

Is it the fact that it appears to be an unspoken rule that every man must display his butt crack?And that the aforementioned butt crack must be abundantly hairy?Extra points if thatís the only hair he has.

 

Perhaps itís the fact that the only cosmetics available in the local drugstore are frosted pink lipstick and bright blue eyeshadow.

 

Iíve emailed every police officer I know in the nearby metropolitan area (and I do happen to know quite a few cops out this way, having worked with them before) and invited them to come and arrest me for the murder of Jimmy Hoffa Ė I told them I buried him under the tomato plants and provided almost pornographic details of the killing Ė but not one of them took me seriously.††† Jeez:I guess this is what comes of having a reputation for being Tough on Crime.

 

Perhaps if I knocked over a Tim Hortonís, I might get their attention.

 

ďWell Officer, she was a redhead, about 5í5Ē, bony and really desperate looking. After she went for the Timbits, I got the impression sheíd stop at nothing.She staggered off in the direction of the 401, shaking her fist and shouting ďNever again, by God! Never again!ĒWait Ė I think thatís her hitch-hiking, with the big sign around her neck that says ďMexicoĒ on it.Ē

 

I suppose I could try to get into the spirit of the place and take up bingo or line dancing or drinking or Jesus or what appears to be the most popular pastime for the local miscreants:window breaking

 

Coming from Toronto, where just the other day, somebody was shot dead in broad daylight on the street (still a shocking event in Canada), this place is hardly a hotbed of criminal activity.Although Iíve been walking about 50 km a day, Iíve yet to stumble across any of the grow ops I know damn well are flourishing around these parts.This is a crying shame, as I suspect itís the only thing that would make this place even remotely bearable.

 

Iíve been amusing the bitches by transcribing the local ďPolice BlotterĒ that comes in the local rag.Brace yourselves for tales of the Naked City.And I quote Ė really Ė these are ACTUAL excerpts:

 

"August 7
 
A rock was thrown through the office window of St. Andrew's Church.  Nothing was damaged or taken.
 
A vehicle was struck while parked on the west side of Matchette Road.  The mirror of the driver's side door was smashed.
 
Police responded to a noise complaint on Morton Drive.  The homeowner was spoken to and issued a Provincial Offences Notice with respect to amplified and excessive noise.
 
August 8
 
Police received a mischief report -- a brick was thrown through the front window of a business on Front Road.
 
Officers dealt with several by-law complaints with respect to noise complaints.  Citizens are advised that the noise by-law covers unreasonable noise at any time.  Please respect your neighbours.
 
August 9
 
A Morton Drive business requested police attend for two men in a pickup truck they had locked in their fenced in area of the property.  The men had taken bags of pop cans from the recycle bins without permission.  The business owner did not want the men charged with theft but wanted them told not to return to the property.  The men returned the cans and were issued cautions for Trespassing.

 

Police received a report of a rear car window smashed overnight on Michigan Avenue.
 
August 12
 
At about 12:30 am, Police received a report of two males cutting a street name sign down on Martin Lane.  Officers responded to the area but were unable to locate the suspects.  A hacksaw was found at the scene.  Both suspects are described as white males wearing white shirts.  Investigation is continuing.
 
August 13
 
Police received information regarding youths on Talbot Road throwing golf balls at moving vehicles.  An officer was in the area (note to Heartless Bitches:  only because there's a Tim Horton's donut shop nearby) and observed three males in the ditch at that intersection.  The three males were arrested for mischief and trespassing at night.  One of the males was a youth.
 
August 14
 
Police are investigating after unknown suspects smashed the front door of Boppers Cafe.  It appears the suspects threw a rock at the front door, which smashed the outer pane, then struck the aluminium doorframe and landed on the sidewalk.  Damage is approximately $500.  Investigation is continuing.

 

So hereís the Plan.Iíve decided that since I canít drive, thereís no bus service that can get me out of town and none of my friends from the nearby larger city will arrest me for murder and take me away, Iím going to become Public Enemy Number One around these parts.

 

At this point, twenty to life in the Big House would be eminently preferable to One More Minute out here.

 

This shouldnít be difficult.

 

Iím thinking that first Iíll hunt down that Martin guy who took the sign on August 12 and break all his windows while screaming loud enough to disturb the neighbours.Iíll swing by St. Andrews and kick the door a few times before snatching some empty pop cans that donít belong to me.†† Then Iíll run through the streets howling like a madwoman, hurling golfballs wildly at the citizenry while I make my escape.If thereís time, Iíll pee in the municipal pool for good measure.

 

Ooh, they better come and get me quick Ė I might completely lose control.If Martin puts up a fight, I can see it getting ugly.I might grab him by the mullet and force his Bryan Adams Greatest Hits cassette down his throat.His ďNo Fat ChicksĒ t-shirt could get torn in the fray.†† Thereís just no telling what Iím capable of at this point.

Come and get me, coppers.Youíre not taking me alive.Iíve got nothing to lose at this point.

 

Till next time,

 

Morrigan



Copyright© the Morrigan & Heartless Bitches International (heartless-bitches.com) 2008
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