Depression? Me? Hah!
getting your emails Ė 8 years worth of them, and Iíve kept them all.† They are, without exception, positive and
entertaining and some of them are quite touching.† It means so much to me that you are reading
what I write, even though that baffles me.†
Who gives a fuck about my random ravings?† It freaks me out that people pay even the
slightest bit of attention to what is, for all intents and purposes, an
however, I received an email saying that in the writerís opinion, I was
suffering from ďsevere depressionĒ.
how I laughed.
I donít have depression in my nature.†
Apart from not having the attention span to sustain it, I think every
ordinary day is a gift.† Even when life is shitty.†
Perhaps especially when itís shitty, because those are
the days that teach you things.†
Iíve had the Last Rites more times than you can shake a stick at:† the ordinary blips in the road donít faze me.
†Sure life sometimes gets difficult, †but welcome to the
this point in my life, at this moment, I have never felt more alive, never felt
as if I were contributing something more vital to this world.† I know itís inconsequential.† I know nobody cares. Thatís not the point.
That doesnít matter:† what counts is that
Iím giving all I have.
Depressed?† Uh...no. I live each
day in a state of grace, even if some would think this existence bizarre, these
triumphs ephemeral.† I contribute so much
of myself to this daily life, and I get so much more than I invest back
again.† The return is astonishing.† It may be imperceptible to others but it
nourishes me on many levels.
weep no tears for me, dear reader.† This
job may be my life, it may cure or kill me (assuming, as you seem to do, that
there is something ďwrongĒ with me) but I cannot leave it alone.†† I think Iíve said this before, but I do this
job because Iím a True Believer.† And in
the process, I have found my niche and my calling.† What† could make me happier?
and this is a chilling thought, you believe that Iím incomplete because Iím
single.† I hesitate to attribute this
archaic view to you, because if† youíre reading this column, one would
assume youíre rather enlightened. On that score as well, let me assure you that
all is well.
miss having a partner?
really Ė and if Iím candid, I feel kind of guilty about that.† I mean, weíre kind of conditioned into
believing that weíre incomplete without our mythical Other
to fulfill us.
donít miss cuddling, I donít miss the midnight conversations, I donít miss the Saturday mornings on the couch or mooching
around the house.†
qualify that:† I miss having those times
with the Beloved, but that time is past.†
Iím not looking to find it elsewhere and Iím not looking for someone
else to step into his shoes.† Itís a
shame it didnít last, but it wasnít his fault.†
Itís just over.†
things just Are.†
obsessing over that fact gains you nothing.
had the Great Love of My Life.† I
treasure that.† I will always treasure
that. But I donít expect to encounter it again.†
Once a lifetime I think is the best one can expect Ė some people never
even get that.† I was blessed to get it
once.† Iím not going to get greedy or
delusional enough to expect itíll come my way again.† And thatís OK.
being said, I hope it comes his way again.† He deserves that. I would dance at his
wedding with a glad heart, if he were happy.†
He is a good man and I would rest easier to know his heart was eased.)
I seem to have lost the ability to cuddle or to show affection even with those
I care about. Itís a trust thing, I think. Iíve been careful only to ďcareĒ
about those who are no threat to me and who have no real influence or impact on
my life.† I respect opinions, certainly,
but nobody gets past the Sentry.† Those I
chose to care about have no interest in breaching that particular perimeter, so
thing you have to understand is that Iím at a different place in my life right
now.† Letís face it:† each of us, in every moment, is in a state of
becoming Ė we are constantly evolving.†
The trick is whether or not we have any idea of our destination.
my blessing.† And what a gift that is.
exactly where Iím supposed to be.
laugh every day, straight from my belly, without apology, hesitation or
without cause or explanation, but always without reservation.† And nothing makes me feel more alive.
canít think of a greater benediction than that.
day begins and ends with a smile Ė even the crappy days, when Iíve had the shit
kicked out of me: itís always worth it Ė Iíve always learned something.† Iím happy with who I am. Sure, I fuck up, but
I deal with that --- thereís always a lesson.†
But I donít beat myself up about the ways Iíve failed.† If I were to get caught up in that maze, Iíd
never get out again.† Progress involves
overcoming obstacles, slights, blows to the ego, the
realizations of your own shortcomings.
Depressed?† Sweetie, if thatís what you think, you
havenít been paying attention.†
I am a
work in progress, always have been.
astound you, if only you pay attention.†
a hurricane in me.