By Natalie and Fabulana
If you aren't still a virgin, then at some point you've had it. You know... the REALLY BAD SEX. Sometimes the only way you can talk about it is if you are plied with alcohol. Other experiences are just so funny, you HAVE to tell someone.
The thing that may surprise
most guys is that while men may talk about sex in the locker rooms in
euphemistic terms, (and we know they are renowned for lying to their
buddies), Heartless Bitches talk about
sex with other women in EXPLICIT, GRAPHIC, terms, and they NEVER LIE.†
Think about it guys.† Girls DO kiss and tell. We talk about penis
size. We talk about kissing techniques.†
We talk about love-making techniques and fucking techniques.
We talk about guys who are incredible in bed, and where appropriate, we
laugh like hell at the ones who were just terrible. Heartless as we are, we DO cut some slack for the new or inexperienced guys. They're not the type that end up getting skewered by the Heartless Bitch wit.
So how does a guy get it on
with a Heartless Bitch without fear that heís going to be the laughing stock
later?† Every woman has her likes and
dislikes, so no technique for sex is universal Ė no matter what they try to
sell you in books and magazinesÖ. but we can start by providing a list of
DONíTs.† These are the things we agree
turn us off completely.
DONíT forget hygiene!† Take some time in the bathroom BEFORE you
get her in the bedroom and CLEAN UP.†
Wash a bit down there fer chrissakes!†
I canít think of a bigger turn off than a guy who hasnít wiped his ass
properlyÖ† And wash your hands
thoroughly before Ė maybe you were cutting up jalapeno peppers, or maybe your
hands are just dirty Ė but I donít need to experience either the pain or a
yeast infection because you didnít take the time to wash upÖ
And on that note, for the
beardless, DONíT FORGET TO SHAVE.† Jake
Gyllenhall was quoted as saying that his experience kissing co-star Heath
Ledger in ďBrokeBack MountainĒ was ďExfoliatingĒ.† I laughed my ass off at that. At LAST!† A man finally TRULY experiences what it is like to kiss a guy who
hasnít shaved. Karma, I tell you! Now if EVERY man could experience that just
once, maybe theyíd be a bit more understanding.† Stubble isnít sexy. Itís lazy and itís painful. Kissing is NO FUN
with stubble.† It HURTS.† And you arenít getting anywhere near my clit
with serious stubble.†
(and hereís a word to the
wise:† Shaving with a blade makes a guy
MUCH more kissable).
DONíT start ďtalking dirtyĒ
the first time you get her in bed. Or even the second.† Some girls like that Ė but you need to take
time to figure out if thatís part of the play or not.† Donít immediately assume it is a turn on for her because you heard some guy do it in a porn flick. Most guys who try to "talk dirty" just sound dumb.
Unless your relationship was
started out of a mutual interest in kink, DONíT suggest anything remotely kinky
the first time in bed Ė or for that matter until you know the person REALLY
DON'T give me an Olympic gold medal routine of all your best moves with the LAST girlfriend; I don't want to walk a mile in her figure skates when we're in bed. If I can tell you EXACTLY what your last girlfriend was into after having sex with you, you're not paying enough attention to ME. A new partner is a discovery, not a replacement, and each experience is a new one. That's not to say you have to reinvent the wheel with every new partner, or that it isn't useful to develop technique over time (we give thanks, indeed, to all those who went before!). We just don't want a mechanical performance, no matter what the artistic merit. Good intimacy involves being PRESENT in the moment.
DONíT withhold all sounds
and emotions.† Would you like it if she
just laid there and made NO noise, and did NOTHING to give you feedback?† If you like something, let her know!† You donít have to scream like an
out-control-hyena, but donít hold everything back either. God knows, we have no desire to fuck a corpse.
DONíT jam your fingers up
her crotch and see how many you can stuff in there.†† Most men have NO idea what to do with their hands and are
exceedingly clumsy when it comes to ďfingeringĒ women.† Let her guide you. If she likes it, sheíll
indicate where and how.†
DONíT forget that the labia,
clitoris and vagina are sensitive areas.†
If you are in the midst of foreplay remember: Just because a woman is
turned on and responding, doesnít mean you should start jamming your fingers
harder and harder into her crotch (with or without clothing).† Firm, gentle pressure is sufficient... Pay attention to her responses!
DONíT mention how big your
penis is.† EVER.† Phrases like, ďOooh baby, Iím gonna give you
all eight inches!Ē are likely to induce fits of giggling if not immediately,
then certainly later when she is with her girlfriends. ESPECIALLY if you are
substantially less than the quoted inches.†
Believe it or not, we DO have some clue how big eight inches is.
Unless you are waiting for a
call from a dying relative, or you are on pager duty for work, DONíT take a
phone call in the middle of sex. ††ESPECIALLY
not on the first night you spend with someone.
Unless youíve said it
outside of the bedroom, DONíT use the ďI love youĒ phrase IN the bedroom. Or on
the kitchen table, or on the sofa, or anywhere else you decide to have sex.
DONíT immediately assume the
woman wants you to go down on her without asking. Sure some girls really enjoy it but for others,
it's a surefire way to give her a yeast
infection. Not everyone's the same and until
you know my personality and my anatomy better you could at least ask, and don't
act like it's a blow to your ego (pun intended) if it's not what *I* want.
DONíT do anything for
her if YOU donít like it, but you think itís something she wants. Thatís
akin to a mercy fuck, and what self-respecting Heartless Bitch wants
that? Be honest; if you really aren't into something, don't try it just
because you think you are supposed to "service" your woman. This isn't
an auto bay and you aren't the mechanic. MY pleasure isn't something you
do to me, it's something I feel, so don't try to take macho
credit for it (i.e., "who's your daddy?"). The best sex is going to be
with someone who gets off on their partner's arousal and overall warm
feelings.† Baby, if you donít
LOVE what you are doing, donít do it.†
Iíve got a vast and varied repertoire.† We donít have to do anything that doesnít completely turn
comfortable with your own desires, and be able to give AND TAKE
pleasure. Nothing has a more chilling effect on the male sex drive than
confusion (and believe us, this little secret works wonders if what you
really want is to shut down the machinery!). In the consensual playpen,
if you're confused, ASK. If what you're doing ain't working, don't look
at US like WE'RE the problem. When the nonverbal communication breaks
down, that's what words are for. If you avoid the "macho
mechanic" and "gold medal figure skater" mentalities, it shouldn't come to
DONíT get all huffy if she
wants to touch herself or control her own pleasure in any way, as if that takes
agency and masculine power away from you!†
That's my biggest peeve. Guys who think your pleasure is something that
they DO TO you, rather than something YOU EXPERIENCE. The means becomes more
important to them than the ends. That's when you know the sex with you is
really all about them--laying you makes them a bigger man, or something.† We see it a lot in immature men.
DONíT ďcommandĒ her to
come.† If she wants to come, sheíll
come. Heartless Bitches are very good at directing traffic and letting you know
what they need. They are not there to put on a command performance for you.† And hereís a newsflash Ė sometimes itís not
all about the orgasm. Sometimes, the journey is more important than the
destination.† After all, thatís what
tantra is all aboutÖ
That being said, DONíT
forget about her pleasure completely and treat her like a sex toy.† You are having sex with a PARTNER Ė another
PERSONÖ make sure you remain involved in that and get so caught up in your own
pleasure that you forget the other person is there.† It isnít all about you and it isnít all about her.
DONíT assume that only the
front of a person is sexy, or that if she turns her back to you, sheís
done.† Hello! It COULD be Invitation
Basically the worst sexual
encounters we have had involve someone whose repressed or macho attitudes get
in the way of intimacy. Sex is an intimate experience at its best (by
definition--duh) so there is nothing enticing or fun about mechanical
performance freaks who've been drilled to think they know what women want. The idea that you can know me based on whatever you've heard or
done before is insulting, and unimaginative. †
And if this list isn't long enough for you, check out the original "How Not to be a Bad Lover" list.