How Much more Clueless can a Man Get?
Y'know, we get alot of dweeby email here at HBI, but this one is a classic.
It's so pathetic that if it isn't real, the character who wrote it is a
seriously sad puppy. And after all that simpering and self-pity he actually
thought we'd WANT to see an unsolicited JPEG image that he included
as an attachment! We read his letter and made our "loser in 3D" signs to
each other, indicating our opinion of this guy's status in life. It was SO
pathetic, we just HAD to share it with you, including our own annotations.
(reminiscent of the old RICHH critiques of stories sent to a.s.s.... thanks
Subject: NO MORE MR NICE GUY!
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I know at least two heartless bitches; I work for one of them
and the other one I am divorcing. <they are the only women who
can stand my simpering> and all the women in my life seem hell
bent on doing one thing <getting as far away from me as they
can!> ...TORTURING ME. <maybe it's because I have "torture me"
tattooed on my forehead?>
wanna know why??? <because you are a dweeb?> BECAUSE I
AM A NICE GUY... <no!!!! Really? Just because of that?
and not the kind that plays pictionary and listens to
kenny loggins. <i prefer strip-scrabble and enya, and
masturbating to cosmopolitan magazine>
i'd rather read about jack henry abott cutting some guys
heart out and going back in the slammer for life... or a
harry crews novel... or some biographical information on
Pee Wee Gaskins. <oooh. deep. a regular cultural icon>
but still ... i am a nice guy. <but deep, and with
a dark side. "luke. I am your father, luke.">
so why are my intimate involvements (the serious ones) with
women who are, to cop a phrase...HEARTLESS BITCHES? <because
you are a dweeb?!>
and another thing...I CAN'T EVEN GET SEX FROM MY WIFE WHO I
HAVE BEEN MARRIED TO FOR 12 YEARS! <have you tried washing
behind that foreskin?> That is not the reason we are divorcing,
but it sure ices the cake. <does "he's lousy in bed" qualify as
So now what do I do? <pick your nose? organize your belly-button
lint collection? clean behind that foreskin?> I roam the
darkened streets of manhatten with my friend in his undersized
honda civic and lust after prostitutes... <and skanky diseases>
who of course think we are cops and won't even give us the time
of day...<much less a free blow-job>
wanna know why? <because you are a DWEEB?! he just doesn't
listen...> Because there is only one thing more pathetic than
a nice guy in an undersized honda civic with a STUPID LOOK ON
HIS FACE that basically says "hey, I'm a nice guy!" ... and
that is TWO GUYS IN AN UNDERSIZED HONDA CIVIC BOTH WITH STUPID
LOOKS ON THEIR FACES! <and one of them who would actually
write this down and send it to a total stranger>
The world can be a cold place. <especially in a honda with
and i am so sick and burned out on masturbating to the same
tired pornographic illiterature it makes my stomach turn. <so
i turn to the net and inflict my pathetic existence on an
unsuspecting world. this whole letter is like one premature
orgasm.... sticky, and utterly pointless>
and I must have ~ASSHOLE~ stamped on my forehead <yes, as
a matter of fact, you do> when I walk down the street to go
to my every-other-day AA meeting <oh, we have a REAL winner here
>, the only time of day I can get out of my office into the
sunlight, when I can really appreciate the women in this town,
<yep, that's how I appreciate them -- I stare at their tits>
because they look at me like I am a walking sex monster or I
intimidate them so with my countenance that I can't even get an
appreciative glance in my direction...because,<I stare at their
tits, and> in spite of it all, I am actually good looking!!!...
<and I believe everything my mother tells me> I don't get it.
<you don't get much> I must exude frustration. <and
self-pity, and self-induced pathos, and stupidity, and masochism....
must we go on?>
I think my problem is that <i'm a dweeb> I WORSHIP WOMEN.
<NO! Say it isn't so!>Yes , it is true. Women, not the
Universe, <not the fact that I can't find out what my belly
button is for...> represent to me the ultimate mystery and
enigma of life, and if I understood WOMAN, I would know
everything. <maybe even basic english grammar>
But don't mistake my rant for self pity, <or whining?>
because I <am a dweeb> actually had the chance to get laid
last night with this girl I met recently, <that's why he
meets girls - so he can get laid. Yep. no reason WHY he should
have any relationship troubles at all....> (and I might add i
met her through a heartless act of my own. <bully for you>
This other girl who seemingly likes me very much <especially
after her frontal lobotomy> ((but we don't talk about it...
we are "just friends")) introduced me to her at an alt.coffee
open mike night last week, and I called her the next day behind
my girl friends back ...
when she found out she threatened to kill herself!<Next on
Geraldo: Psycho "friends" of Pathetic Dweebs> ... and I am not
flattered in the least by her sacrifical posture toward my
unreturned affections! but she apparantly really likes me!
<and THAT makes me feel SOOOOO worthwhile!>) anyway, the
point is <on my head> that here I am rolling on the couch
with this strange girl <with green skin> who I thought I
liked, and then I completely lost interest in doing the nasty.
I let it fizzle out and she left at 4am, both of us wondering
what happened. <Uh, I know! I know! Pick me teacher! --
You lost your erection!> When it finally comes to me<well,
actually, NOTHING "came".... but we already knew that>, i
can't enjoy it. <or "her", but then, you'd be personifying a
fuck if you did that...> maybe because
I am still <a dweeb!> married legally and...yes, you guessed
right.... I AM A <COMPLETE AND UTTER DWEEB WHO THINKS HE
IS A> NICE GUY!!!!
my soon-to-be-ex wife isn't on line yet, but when she is,
i'll give her your address! <Yes, please do. we'd love to talk