You'll never get a date with that Attitude!
Dec 8th, 2003
A friend recently offered to set me up on a date with another one of her friends.
I have no doubt that she had the best intentions in the world, but she gave me some advice before hand that resulted in my refusing the date.
Her advice? "Try to be feminine, not feminist."
My reaction was a skeptical expression, a raised eyebrow, and a request for clarification. I received very little in the way of advice on how to be feminine, but soon learned that my political opinions, policy of "whoever asks, pays," voting in every election, letter writing to my representatives, and choice of occupation and reading materials might be intimidating to the poor soul doomed to take lunch with me. My penultimate response was something along the lines of, "Who gives a shit what he thinks of me? I'm proud of who I am, proud that I have informed political, social, and philosophic opinions! I know what my shortcomings are, but I can live with them, and no one else has to! I don't care what he thinks, and neither should you!"
My ultimate response, however, didn't come to me until last night, while
talking on the phone with another friend. With his help, I have compiled
a list of appropriate , non-feminist
responses to situations, to aid others as they venture forth into
dating. After all, if women aren't passive and accomodating, we'll all die alone,
childless, loveless, bitter, and miserable. And men aren't REALLY
interested in women with brains, class, or opinions. It's all about sex.
We're spineless wimps, and they're egotistical animals. Right? Right. On
to the list!
What to wear
- Impractical shoes. High heels gracefully shape the foot, and tilt the body forward for a more alluring look.
- Pink. If you don't look good in pink, pastels are always good, since both pink and pastels are passive colors. Activeness might intimidate your date!
- A skirt. Try and recall the days before the feminist movement with a skirt. Leave the pants to the man!
- Stockings. Not pantyhose, stockings. They'll keep your legs warm, really! And so alluring, too.
- A blouse or sweater. Tee-shirts were originally men's undergarments, and you don't want to bring up that association, do you?
Where to go
Don't worry about it, let him decide! This will make him feel more masculine.
What to order
- Salad. Soup. The vegetarian alternative. Under NO circumstances should you order messy or masculine food such as ribs, pasta with meat sauce, or a big, steak taco. Avoid "smelly" foods such as onions or garlic
- A mixed drink. Remember, ladies don't drink stout!
What to talk about
- The weather
- Whatever he wants to talk about. Pretend ignorance if he wants to talk about politics. Men don't like smart girls.
(Remember, don't use big words!)
The Goodnight Kiss
This is perhaps the most important part of the guide. Remember, don't offer to pay for anything! That's too feminist! Instead, be prepared to put out in exchange for food and gifts. Never bartered this way before? Read on, and all will become clear!
Remember girls... it's the thing to do.
Copyright© Heartless Bitches International (heartless-bitches.com) 2003
- Casual dinner (example, burger and fries in a dinner) = Groping (he gropes you)
- Formal dinner OR a show= Hand job (you do him)
- Formal dinner AND a show = Everything but!
- Formal dinner AND show AND flowers = Missionary position (he does you. But only until he comes)
- Jewelry = Doggie style (It's only important that he comes. You have jewelry!)
- Diamonds = Blow job (you blow him)
- He pays your rent = Anal sex (He's in you. But don't like it. Feminine girls would never LIKE it)
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