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What's Wrong with Nice Guys?

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Honesty - Being able to SPELL the word, isn't enough...

I've had enough of men who insist on lying to "protect" someone's feelings.

My past isn't lily-white, but I'd like to think I've matured somewhat over the years, to the extent that I don't sit around attempting to rationalize or justify my mistakes. Aside from the fact that it is incredibly patronizing, (and even demeaning!), people who use the "protection" crap are really just trying to protect themselves from the work and effort that honesty requires - and yes, sometimes the pain. These "protectors" are rarely genuinely concerned about hurting the other person - more likely they are worried about losing something in the process, and getting hurt themselves. It's the quintessential "cake and eat it too" syndrome - and they think they can have it by lying, or creative lies of ommission.

Take the guy who decided that "honesty" in relationships doesn't work: He was "dating" someone, and yes, sleeping with her. We'll call her Woman A. He takes off on his own for a resort vacation. (ostensibly because he's stressed out - never mind that the stress is largely his own doing). At the vacation spot, he meets and starts messing around with another woman. We'll call her Woman B. Woman B is from another country. She is travelling through the U.S, and arranges to come by and visit this man for a few days after the resort tryst has ended.

Now comes his one attempt at honesty. (We can't call it "sincerity", 'cause it reeks of self-absorbed insensitivity). When he arrives home, does he immediately tell the woman he is dating about what happened, and what is going to happen? Does he talk about her feelings for her, and where he wants the relationship with her to go? Has he ever talked about these things with her? Of course not. No. He waits until Valentine's day, goes to bed with her, and then can't sleep, knowing that Woman B is arriving that day (it's already the wee hours, you see). He was going to tell her that night, but she confided in him about someone breaking up with her and hurting her badly on Valentine's day, so he felt guilty.

But alas! He realizes he can't put it off any longer, so he wakes her up, and tells her that he met someone during his vacation, and that she is coming to visit him. And stay with him. For several days.

Bully for him. He told the truth. What do you think Woman A did? Had a fit, right? Right! Now, I normally don't advocate violence, but I think a knee to the groin at that point would have been justifiable.... But no, she just cries and gets upset and wonders what she did wrong. Of course everything just goes horribly at that point cause this jerk is clueless about emotional intimacy, sharing, connectedness, tenderness, compassion, listening, caring, and a whole host of other important communications and relationship fundamentals...And of course, he has known all along that she is more emotionally involved with him, than he is with her. (The story of his life, it would seem, and the lives of so many others like him.)

I really think that he was more concerned about coming off looking like an asshole than he was about her feelings.

So he uses that as his excuse for why "honesty doesn't work - it only hurts people".

Fer Chrissakes! He tells her, IN BED, ON VALENTINE'S DAY, THE DAY THE OTHER WOMAN IS ARRIVING. What a jerk. The man could give lessons on fecal distribution! ("How to be a perfect anus in just 3 easy lessons") This is the kind of guy who deliberately places himself in these kinds of situations, coming clean at the last minute, so he can point the finger at the OTHER person and say they were being unreasonable. Or conversely, he can use it to validate his twisted logic about honesty, and his lack thereof. After all he was honest. Just far far far too little, waaaaaaay too late. I have more compassion under my little fingernail, than this guy has in his whole body, - and I'm a Heartless Bitch!

But back to my diatribe^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H story....
So the relationship with Woman A breaks off, with Woman A incredibly hurt, and the guy feeling sort of guilty but mostly relieved. It seems he really wasn't interested in anything long term with Woman A anyways...
(It's okay if you feel like you want to smack him right now)

The guy then plans a trip to visit Woman B in her country of origin. But in the intervening interval, he meets Woman C (!), and gets romantically involved with her. Woman C is also from another country. Surprisingly enough, the SAME country as Woman B! So he decides to dip his pecker in two birdponds on one trip. But does he tell the women about each other? Of course not! Look what happened the LAST time he tried to be honest, after all! This makes for a very tense and stressful trip, so he comes back all confused. Fate (and his pecker) seem to be making life tough for him... The poor bastard.

It seems one of the women sensed something wasn't quite right, and he was uncomfortable with her the whole time. (You may break out your violins now). He feels that all this relationship stress that he is under (including the work stress he has done to himself), is an excuse to act like an asshole. It gives him the right to be a self-centered, insensitive jerk. This guy is 35 years old, and how does he tell someone he wants to break off a relationship? Well, he either "accidentally" fucks it up by fucking someone else, or he gives the woman "the cold shoulder" till she "gets the message". Can YOU say puerile?! I knew you could. I know teenagers with more maturity than this guy.

So what happened to Woman B and Woman C?

I don't know. The guy had no real desire to put any genuine emotional effort into his relationships, and he affected an entirely feigned interest in alternative solutions. Which means that he solicited advice and then proceded to attack every alternative in an attempt to validate the path he chose. He didn't really listen, and he didn't really care about the other people involved. When asked if he loved either of the two women, he said he didn't know what love was. The classic cop-out. (Girls, if you EVER hear a man say those words, RUN. Run Far. Run Fast, and don't look back.) He was completely wrapped up in how difficult this whole situation was for him. And, of course, the moment someone tells him his actions and behavior are hurting other people, he accuses them of making a "personal attack". It is a no-win situation. I got sick of the whole mess, and this guy's inability to be honest with himself or anyone else.

One can only hope that both of the women wised up and told him to fuck off and die.

Honesty begins at the beginning. Not when you are backed into a corner. True honesty and trust in a relationship are NOT about coming clean after the fact. And if you think you have to lie to be compassionate and caring, then you REALLY don't have a CLUE.....


Yes, he is a real person. No, I won't publish his name, BUT, if you are dating some attractive, intelligent, charming guy who seems incapable of committment and emotional intimacy/maturity..... follow your intuition and WALK. There is no such thing as a "Diamond in the Rough", and there is no such thing as an "allowable" level of dishonesty in an Adult relationship.



Copyright© Heartless Bitches International (heartless-bitches.com) 2003
Copying or reproduction (in whole or in part) on any medium (such as in print or on the web) is expressly forbidden without written permission from HBI

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