Why "Nice Guys" are often such LOSERS
You hear it all the time: "He was such a NICE Guy, and she's such a Heartless
Bitch for dumping him."
I get letters from self-professed Nice Guys, complaining that women must WANT to be
treated like shit, because THEY, the "Nice Guy" have failed
repeatedly in relationships. This is akin to the false logic that "Whales are mammals. Whales
live in the sea. Therefore, all mammals live in the sea."
If you have one bad relationship after another, the only common denominator is
YOU. Think about it.
What's wrong with Nice Guys? The biggest problem is that most
Nice Guys (tm) are hideously insecure. They are so anxious to be liked
and loved that they do things for other people to gain acceptance
and attention, rather than for the simply pleasure of giving. You never know
if a Nice Guy really likes you for who you are, or if he has glommed onto you
out of desperation because you actually paid some kind of attention to him.
Nice Guys exude insecurity -- a big red target for the predators of the
world. There are women out there who are "users" -- just looking for a sucker
to take advantage of. Users home-in on "Nice Guys", stroke their egos, take
them for a ride, add a notch to their belts, and move on. It's no wonder so
many Nice Guys complain about women being horrible, when the so often the
kind of woman that gets attracted to them is the lowest form of life...
Self-confident, caring, decent-hearted women find "Nice Guys" to be too clingy,
self-abasing, and insecure.
Nice Guys go overboard. They bring roses to a "lets get together for coffee" date.
They try to buy her affections with presents and fancy things. They think they know
about romance, but
their timing is all wrong, and they either come-on too strong, too hard and too fast,
OR, they are so shy and unassertive, that they hang around pretending to be "friends",
in the hope that somehow, someway, they will get the courage up to ask her out for a
They are so desperate to please that they put aside their own needs, and place
the object of their desire on a pedestal. Instead of appreciating her, they worship
her. We are only human, and pedestals are narrow, confining places to be
-- not to mention the fact that we tend to fall off of them.
They cling to her, and want to be "one" with her for fear that if she is out of
sight, she may disappear or become attracted to someone else. A Nice Guy often has
trouble with emotional intimacy, because he believes that if she learns about the
REAL person inside, she will no longer love him.
Nice Guys are always asking HER to make the decisions. They think it's being
equitable, but it puts an unfair burden of responsibility on her, and gives
him the opportunity to blame her if the decision was an unwise one.
Nice Guys rarely speak up when something bothers them, and rarely state clearly
what it is they want, need and expect. They fear that any kind of conflict
might spell the end of the relationship. Instead of comprimising and negotiating,
they repeatedly "give in". When she doesn't appreciate their sacrifice, they will
complain that, "Everything I did, I did for her.", as if this somehow elevates them
to the status of martyrs. A woman doesn't want a martyr. She wants an equal, caring,
Nice Guys think that they will never meet
anyone as special as she is. They use their adoration as a foundation for claiming
that "no one will ever love her as much as I do." Instead of being a profound
statement of their devotion, this is a subtle, but nasty insult. It is akin to
saying to her: "You are a difficult person, and only *I* can ever truly love you,
so be thankful I'm here."
The nice guy -needs- to believe that he is the best person for the object of his desires, because
otherwise his insecurities will overrun him with jealousies and fear. The truth
of the matter is that there are many people out there who can be a good match
for her. We rarely stop loving people we truly care about. Even if we no longer
continue the relationship, the feelings will continue... But love isn't mutually
exclusive. We can (and do) love many people in our lives, and romantic love is really
no different. Though he may love her immensely, there will likely be other people
who have loved her just as much in her past, and will love her just as much in the future.
The irony of it all is: "Who would want to go out with someone who was inherintly unlovable
More than loving the woman in his life, a Nice Guy NEEDS her. "She is my Life, my only
source of happiness..." YECH! What kind of a burden is that to place on her? That SHE
has to be responsible for YOUR happiness? Get a grip!
Another mistake Nice Guys make is to go after "hard luck" cases. They deliberately pick women
with neuroses, problems, and personality disorders, because Nice Guys are "helpers". A Nice
Guy thinks that by "helping" this woman, it will make him a better, more lovable
person. He thinks it will give him a sense of accomplishment, and that she will
appreciate and love him more, for all his efforts and sacrifice. He is usually
disappointed by the results.
This ultimately boils down to the fact that Nice Guys don't like themselves. Is it
any wonder women don't like them? In order to truly love someone else, you must first
love yourself. Too often Nice Guys mistake obsession for "love".
Get this Guys: INSECURITY ISN'T SEXY. IT'S A TURNOFF.
You don't have to be an ego-inflated, arrogant jerk. You just have to LIKE yourself.
You have to know what you want out of life, and go after it. Only then will you be
attractive to the kind of woman with whom a long-term relationship is possible.