The "Nice Guys" archive

Comments - round 36
Comments - round 35
Comments - round 34
Comments - round 33
Comments - round 32
Comments - round 31
Comments - round 30
Comments - round 29
Comments - round 28
Comments - round 27
Comments - round 26
Comments - round 25
Comments - round 24
Comments - round 23
Comments - round 22
Comments - round 21
Comments - round 20
Comments - round 19
Comments - round 18
Comments - round 17
Comments - round 16
Comments - round 15
Comments - round 14
Comments - round 13
Comments - round 12
Comments - round 11
Comments - round 10
Comments - round 9
Comments - round 8
Comments - round 7
Comments - round 6
Comments - round 5
Comments - round 4
Comments - round 3
Comments - round 2
Comments - round 1.5
Comments - round 1
Nice Guys = BLEAH!
Nice Guys we can do without

Not-So-Nice "Nice Guys"

by Lisa

I've followed your pages on "nice" guys for several years and wanted to praise them. I'm glad Heartless Bitches recognizes the behavior for what it really is. So few people recognize the manipulation & deep seated hostility of "nice" guys.

I think a lot of people have a warped definition of a nice guy (or gal, which I'm using because it's the closest female equivalent to guy). Truly nice people can take a hint when it comes to rejection. Truly nice guys or gals will either enjoy a true friendship with a person who doesn't requite their affection or they'll move on. Truly nice guys or gals won't hang around in a clingy, creepy, almost stalker type way hoping the person will change his or her mind. Truly nice people chalk it up as part of the dating experience and move on. They don't become embittered & take it out on others like faux nice people do.

Faux nice guys (or gals) can't handle rejection. They stop viewing the "object" of their "affection" as a person with all of the rights to decide if he or she wants to be with the faux nice person. Faux nice guys or gals view the object of their affections as just that, an object. An object to which they feel a vast sense of entitlement to. Faux nice people aren't doing all of the favors for their object because they're being kind or "nice". They do them because they feel that it entitles them to be paid back with their object's affections. When they aren't paid back, they become angry and claim they've been victimized. When really, they allowed themselves to be victimized.

I have a former friend who is a "nice" guy. He lost quite a bit of money planning a vacation with a woman he was infatuated with when she cancelled. He still wanted to go on vacation with her again! There's a saying, "fool me once, shame on you, fool me 2x, shame on me." He would constantly do things for her, go over her home. He tends to get crushes on women & get very clingy. But he can't recognize when they're not interested. When he was attracted to one of my friends, I had to let him know she was a lesbian (she's in a long term relationship with her partner), but he was convinced she was straight & into him!

Fortunately, I'm one of the few women he's not attracted to. And that has given me a window into seeing how he truly is. He can be very nasty to me. When he's angry or frustrated over one of his "objects" not requiting his attention, he has taken it out on me, by making nasty comments in front of our friends. And then claims he's just kidding. Even though I've asked him to stop this behavior (at first in private and then again in front of our friends when that didn't work). Does that sound "nice" to you?

I recognize that he's not a truly nice guy & that's why I no longer consider him a friend. We have a group of mutual friends, which is the only reason why I still see him at all. Most of them still consider him a nice guy because society has a very fucked up idea of what is nice. Some of the friends realize what's going on & have told him to behave himself, so things have improved somewhat. But a number of them thought I was being irrational, combative when I finally told him off after being insulted regularly during our gatherings. We get together every year for a dinner around Christmas. His "object" had declined to come out with us and he was sad & angry. So, he started in on me with the comments. I asked him if he could please change seats so I could catch up with another friend who I hadn't seen awhile. Which while true, was also a polite way of trying to get away from him. Also, I had lost a relative in her 50s and was going to a memorial service for her the following day and Christmas was going to be kind of rough for my family because it was my brother's first Christmas in prison (long story). I was looking forward to an evening of fun & laughter with friends and was in absolutely no mood for his shit. And he knew about the family stuff.

I tried ignoring him and talking to other people. He kept directing comments to me. Then I tried joking around with him "Why so angry?" He kept it up. I asked him to please stop the comments, out loud & in front of everyone. He kept it up. So finally, I let him have it & told him off in a profanity laced tirade. Yes, I'm the "bitch" for doing that to a "nice" guy. But if bitch means someone who'll stand up for herself and won't take shit after trying several less confrontational ways of defending herself, then I'll wear that title with honor. And would a truly nice guy pull all of the crap on me he did? I don't think so.



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