by Bail Aora
Itís official. We reek apparently. Whatís more ≠ itís a natural, normal
thing for a woman to give off such a foul stench that there are any
number of products to (thank the lord!) help us control it enough to be
accepted into everyday (clean) society.
Feminine Hygiene products. Never have three worlds stirred such
incandescent rage in a normally (itís true) easy-going person.
Maybe I could interest you in some Feminine Wash (suitable for everyday
use of course) so that you can wash all the evil off before you leave
your home every morning.
Or maybe some Intimate Care Mousse - specially formulated for all day
freshness donchaknow? Iím sure thatíll have you sleeping more soundly
at night huh?
Remember to stock your (no doubt impractically small, delicate) handbag with some
- Feminine Wipes handily packaged in a "discrete bathroom pack"
to shield normal people from the horror of accidentally having to look
at your shame products
- Odour absorbing Feminine Powder to try to smother the problem at its source
- Feminine Deodorant Compact Spray - designed so that it is perfect for dropping into your handbag. Just in case you encounter a stench emergency throughout the day.
And donít forget to strap on a scented Pantyliner (choice of Lavender or
other such refined 'good girl' fragrances) to ensure no ongoing
repulsive secretions can contaminate your underwear/clothing/the
environment as they are produced. There are other people in society
dammit! For Godís sake think of the children! We all deserve (discreet,
breathable) protection from such unspeakable filth.
Most importantly, never EVER forget to have a bumper tube of Fast Acting
Feminine Cream to soothe and relieve feminine itching, burn and
irritation which will no doubt result from sticking a VAT LOAD OF
UNNATURAL, HARMFUL CHEMICALS UP YOUR CHUFF.
Get this idiots. The vulva (oh no! She said a dirty word!) is a
self-cleansing, delicately balanced environment. Using the aforementioned "feminine
hygiene" products will upset that balance (no matter how "gentle" or "PH
balanced" they are) leaving the admittedly rather gullible product user
(self-loathing clearly baked in at fundamental level) with an
unnaturally lowered defence mechanism against such conditions as
feminine *spits* itching, burn and irritation (amongst other things) and
(oh the irony!) a greater propensity to odor (unnaturally occuring
smells caused by introducing foreign substances into a complex, internal
Why are there no similarly-marketed masculine hygiene products (formulated for everyday
use)? Donít MEN's pubic areas stink? Don't they naturally secrete
evil and contaminate decent society with their rancid juices? Why is there
no equivalent handy pocket-sized odour eliminating spray (for
application under the foreskin and down the urethra), or self adhesive
scented pads (with a choice of pine or sandalwood fragrances)? Hmmm.
Itís a thinker.
It's sad to see that people throughout society today (with the help of
chirpy, upbeat advertising) are perpetuating the abhorrent myth that
women are naturally dirty beings.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to strap on my "unclean" sign and ring my bell.
Copyright© Marguerite Nightingale, Heartless Bitches International (heartless-bitches.com) 2005
Copying or reproduction (in whole or in part) on any medium (such as in print or on the web) is expressly forbidden without written permission from HBI