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Keep Your Mitts off My Mane!

by Jemima
Mar 26, 2007

Family parties are usually not the greatest joy for me, but this one I went to because it wasn't just family. I figured some of my family's obnoxiousness would be diluted somewhat with other guests present. I was right, but what I had not taken into account was the obnoxiousness of the guests in question.

I spent a day with people CONSTANTLY TOUCHING MY HAIR!!!

What is it, people? What is it that makes it alright for everyone to go stick their hands into my hair when asking what I did with it? What is it? Does it say "Touch me" somewhere on my mane? This is not one of those battery driven toys with a "Try me" button! I am a living breathing human being with a frigging personal sphere. Get it? Apparently not.

I thought it was just my own generation who did it. My generation of "hugs all around whether you're familiar with people or not". I hate it, hugs are supposed to mean something and not to be given out to just anyone. Especially when you don't know whether that someone might actually not like getting physically close to people they don't know. But no. It's not just my generation. My grandmother whose birthday party it was is a former school teacher and many of her former colleagues had been invited to this party. Now, the majority of these were above 60 if not all of them, and for some reason I had the na´ve notion that people above 50 have some sense of propriety. But that was not the case. No. The amount of people who put their hands in my hair BEFORE they even struck up a conversation by asking me what I'd done with it was simply astounding. These are well-educated, supposedly civilized elderly people. You'd think life had taught them something about people and how to properly behave. But no.

How many times have I not out of the blue felt a hand sliding down my back along my hair followed by the line: "Ohhhh your hair looked so soft, I just had to touch it!" No. You. Didn't. You CHOSE to touch it, and it was bloody rude of you. Gods, if I could figure out how this mind-control device that's apparently embedded in my hair works, I might actually use it for more practical purposes than compelling people to touch me.

It is driving me insane. How the fuck do you let people know not to fucking touch you before they've been given the all clear? On one hand I don't want to cause a scene at a loved one's birthday party. But this was a frigging pestilence. I devised a nifty strategy of telling them what I did with my hair by using extensive gestures around my hair and head thus waving their own paws away, but that only stops the hands not yet in my hair. It doesn't prevent people from sneaking up from behind and placing their sticky food-smeared hands into my newly washed hair. It is fucking disgusting, people, we've just had dinner - I don't want patÚ in my hair.

I have issues with being touched. I hardly ever even touch the people I call my friends. I am generally not a 'touchy' person - pun intended. That people cannot know that I get more agitated by this than your average person is something I understand fully. People usually get a second chance. Unless - and that's a fucking huge exception - unless they walk up to me and before having introduced themselves or even struck up a conversation they put their hands in my hair as if it's a petting zoo.

Guess what? IT'S NOT!

If you see someone whose boobs or buttocks are just looking smashing today you don't go grope them and then ask what they've done to make them look like that! (Okay, some assholes might, according to another rant on this site - never happened to me, though, thankfully) If you ask at all you do it without the touching, and you usually introduce yourself first - or at least your intentions! Why is hair different? Is my hair less a part of me than my boobs. Doesn't my hair count as mine? Is my hair no longer mine when you begin to find it fascinating enough?

So many parents tell their children the rule of "Look but don't touch" but do people have any idea how many adults are unable to live by this rule? LOOK BUT DON'T TOUCH, YOU MORONS. It also goes for adults. If it's bad for children to do it, it's doubly bad for adults, because they at least should be expected to know better. Is it any wonder kids don't do what we tell them? WE don't do what we tell them!!!

Bottom line: Stop bloody well touching people uninvited - EVEN if it's "just" their hair!


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