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All in favor of castration, say 'Aye'!

Bitches, somebody had to do it. Somebody had to say something about one of the most revolting sites on the planet... and somebody had to review this article from "STUDIO For Men AUTUMN/WINTER '97" (and the whole premise) with a realistic and bitchy eye.

The article starts with the headline:

ROSS JEFFRIES IS THE PICKUP KING

I prefer minivans myself.

Speed Seduction

How to seduce drug addicts?

He claims he can GET A WOMAN INTO BED within 20 minutes of meeting her - and can teach you to do the same.

He forgets to mention that he comes after three strokes and leaves the woman oh-so unsatisfied.

Benjamin Long meets the man who's taught speed seduction to 40,000 men worldwide.

After reading the rest of the article you can see how his technique could be better titled "how to date rape your way to premature ejaculation".

from STUDIO For Men AUTUMN/WINTER '97:

"JUST THINK HOW exciting it would be to solve the answer to a problem that has plagued man since he first crawled out of the slime,"

--gee, 'slime' was exactly what I was thinking.

which is: how do I get more sex, how do I get more women attracted to me?" Ross Jeffries says.

Kill yourself.

"I found the answer."

Cruising for chicks at the lobotomy clinic?

Jeffries is the man behind the romantic art of 'speed seduction'. You may know him as the author of such books as How To Get The Women You Desire Into Bed or from such videos as How To Get Strippers And Other Erotic Professionals Into Bed!

pay them?

and How To Get Your Girlfriend, Wife Or Date To Blow You! Jeffries

Yes, blow me.

also offers The Basic Speed Seduction Home Study Course, which promises to reveal "the secrets that will have the hottest women falling MADLY in love and begging to bang you in as little as 20 MINUTES TIME!".

well banging wasn't what I had in mind, but it did involve a loud *BANG*!

Subscribers to his Get Laid! newsletter

I think I'll send him a subscription to mine. It's called "Get Bent"

(I wonder, is his newsletter filled with suggestions like, "When a good-looking woman walks pasts your car, honk at her. That will make you irresistible."? Or "Go on IRC and ask if any hot babes want to cyber with a 12" hot hunk of cock flesh."?)

receive regular updates on such topics as How To Nail That Girl That Just Wants To Be Friends! and How To Induce A Hypnotic Trance In Three Minutes Or Less And NEVER Get Caught! Once you've advanced past the novice stage, you may want to enroll in one of his regular three-day Advanced Seduction Master Weekends where you will learn "the breakthrough secrets that will turn you into a scoring genius, humping and pumping every gorgeous girl in sight!!!!".

Any guy that tries to "hump and pump" me will receive a very painful kick in the groin and get their nose smashed into their face. Sorry to burst your bubble, assholes.

[snip]

Jeffries claims the inspiration for speed seduction came from martial arts. "I thought to myself, a guy's five-foot tall, 90 pounds, and knows wing-chun and he can kick the ass of a guy who's six foot-five, 250 pounds of solid muscle - there's got to be something like that when it comes to dating. Because I did pretty poorly at dating, I thought, there has to be a way around this, I can't accept that the only thing I get in life is the women who like me

yes, there musn't be too many of those.

or the leftovers. There has to be another way."

castration: try it!

The other vital ingredient to Jeffries' breakthrough discovery was Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP), an approach to psychotherapy that uses sophisticated language patterns and metaphor to communicate with the unconscious mind. It has been used as a therapy, as a self-help tool and, as practiced by millionaire business guru Tony Robbins, for making lots of money. Jeffries' genius was to cast aside any moral considerations

Gee, what a guy!

and use it to gain sexual favors.

[snip]

The first important step in Jeffries' technique is building self-confidence. "You've got to start with yourself. If you're not feeling good, then you can't make someone else feel good. So I teach guys how to design powerful self-images. You can take a guy who's an air traffic controller, who has incredible focus, who can deal with incredible stress, and put him in front of a Penthouse pet in a thong bikini, all oiled up, and he won't be able to put two words together.

He'll probably start wanking. Pavlovian reflex.

The second step is to use "suggestive languaging" to guide a woman's imagination. "A lot of this is being vague. Being vague is very hypnotic. (...) Part of the skill is being vague and using sexual metaphor - 'open', 'penetrate', 'come inside', 'surrender' , 'feel a powerful happiness', 'below me', whatever."

What if she starts using metaphors of her own, like 'castration', 'sharp knife near your genitals' 'penis cut off, writhing in pain'?

According to Jeffries, using such phrases as "feel a big happiness inside" (pronounced "hap-penis") or "below me" (pronounced "blow me") will invoke in your victim an uncontrollable urge

to throw up, maybe. Anything else, I don't think so.

[snip]

Modulating the tones of one's voice is another facet of the speed seduction technique. This basically involves putting on a deep, mellifluous voice and speaking slowly and rhythmically. Presumably, this helps to hypnotize the victim,

I like how he refers to the women he tries to seduce as "victims"

though if you're not careful it may just put them to sleep.

No, your sexual technique must be enough to do that.

Body language is also important. From what I can gather this mostly consists of pointing at your crotch a lot.

You'll be pointing at the gaping wound where your penis once *was* a lot, if you try that shit on me.

[snip]

While you may have your doubts, there are plenty of people willing to testify that speed seduction works. Jeffries' website receives 85,000 hits a month and is littered with eager testimonial. "I had been after this girl who was just a friend for over two years! I used your 'weasel pattern' on her and within two hours we were back in my room and I had her shirt off and I was sucking away on what I had lusted after for so long!!!"

He probably came in his pants right then and there. Seeing breasts for the first time!

writes one happy disciple. "Your methods have shown me how to create the emotional states in women that they CRAVE and long for, and, as a result, I've enjoyed more sex with more women in the past six months than I usually do in five years!" adds another.

Well, technically if you usually have sex with your hand and you get laid once, that is enough to fulfill that statement. Does livedoll.com count?

[snip]

(The prevalence of 'snips' in this text kind of goes with that 'castration' theme, doesn't it? ;-) )

"I know why this works, I know how this works," he says. "But every time it works it still astonishes me. I'm like the magician who's as surprised as the audience that he's sawed the woman in half. I'll tell you the truth. I've never told this to a journalist before: this is what I'm meant to be doing with my life.

Aim high, that's what I say! Some people are too useless to live.

-Other seduction secrets include:

Messing With Her Sense Of Time So It Seems Like She's Already Been In Love With You

You'll need that one to convince her you lasted longer than 3 seconds.

Getting her fish so wet she slides off the chair and eagerly drops to her knees!

Well, you might get her rolling on the floor with laughter.

How To Nail Her Within Minutes When You Aren't Close To Being Her Type!

Sorry, I don't date out of my species.

Quotes, Negation and Other Super-Weasel Patterns!

I like the word "weasel' Someone got one of those steel-jaw traps? I could use a fur coat... (Just kidding. I'm very strongly against cruelty to animals.)

The Secret Understanding Of The Speed Seducer!!

Sounds like a sex toy : "The Speed Seducer", but not going near my cunt anytime soon.

Destroying Last Minute Resistance To Screwing!

On planet earth, that's called date rape, asshole. I wonder how many sexual assault counts this guy has against him? Can't wait till he lands in jail and Bubba tries some 'speed seduction' techniques of his own on him.

Getting Laid Like Crazy Using Poetry!!!

OH GOD!!! This is where the losers get the idea of putting up poetry on the net! He's gone too far! HE DESERVES TO DIE!

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