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The 2005 Whiny Victim Love Song Awards

(a.k.a. "The Whineys")

by Greg Tamblyn

 

In the spirit of fun, and with an ear toward raising the consciousness of both music lovers and music makers everywhere,  we here at TuneTown Records present  the 2005 winners (losers?) for the best (worst?) whiny victim love songs, as submitted by a cadre of devoted and fed up listeners.

 

From Carole King to Sting, from Alanis to Janis, from Macy Gray to Brother Ray, the submissions were astonishing. Indeed, the lineup of artists and writers is a  Who's Who of Hall of Fame candidates: Celine Dion, Luciano Pavarotti, Jewel, Joan Jett, Jacques Brel, Gilbert and Sullivan, Bacharach and David, Toni Braxton  and Aretha Franklin, among others. The nominees were sent to a panel of 23 independent judges who contributed not only their votes but some hilarious and pointed comments. Some of these judges, it should be noted, are firmly ensconced in the "Music Bizness."

 

The award-winning songs are the ones that do the most to celebrate victimhood, and turn love into a hostage situation. They are songs that go far beyond sadness and even grief, to an island of desperation and longing that no one should inhabit. Except maybe Phil Spector.

 

Friends, we have work to do! Let us be vigilant. Let us consign these songs and their illegitimate, inbred cousins to their rightful place in the world of entertainment: Material ForComedy!

 

Here then, in reverse order, are the top 5 for 2005, with judges  comments:

 

5. WHISKEY LULLABYE

Melonie Cannon

Written by Bill Anderson & Jon Randall

    ©2003 Sony/ATV Tree Pub./Mr. Bubba Music (BMI)/

    Reynsong Pub. Corp./Whayasay Music (BMI)

 

She put him out... like the burning end of a midnight cigarette

She broke his heart... he spent his whole life trying to forget

We watched him drink away his pain a little at a time

But he never could get drunk enough to get her off his mind

Till the night

 

He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger

And he finally blew away her memory

Life is short, but this time it was bigger

Than the strength he had to get up off his knees

We found him with his face down in the pillow

With a note that said “I’ll love her till I die”

And when they buried him beneath the willow

The angels sang a whiskey lullaby

 

Judges comments:  

"...that crazy Whiskey Lullabye, holy crap, out does the rest by a state." "After participating in last year's selection, I remember thinking, 'Well, that's that.  There really aren't too many more whiny victim, codependent songs left for next year's contest.  After all, Diane Warren isn't cranking 'em out like she used to.' Wow, was I wrong!  35 entries.  And almost all would easily qualify to be in the top 5."

 

 

 

4. I HATE YOU THEN I LOVE YOU 

    Celine Dion & Luciano Pavarotti 

     also recorded by Shirley Bassey

 (writers: Tony Renis, Ediciones De Falla, Manuel De Falla,

 Alberto Testa, Fabio Testa, and Norman Newell)

 

You treat me wrong

You treat me right

You let me be

You make me fight with you / I could never live without you

 

You make me high

You bring me down

You set me free

You hold me bound to you

 

I hate you

Then I love you

Then I love you

Then I hate you

Then I love you more / I love you more

For whatever you do / For whatever you do

I never, never, never

Want to be in love with anyone but you

 

Judges comments: 

"Ah, someone finally figured out true love."

"The idea that Celine Dion and Luciano Pavarotti would lend their vocal talents to a lyric like "I Hate You Then I Love You," makes me suspect that their respective managers must have been on a beautiful tropical island somewhere with their artists' money when they should have been in the studio doing everything in their power to prevent these two talented vocalists from singing such an unhealthy piece of tripe."

 

 

 

3. STILL

    Macy Gray 

 

 In my last year with him there were bruises on my face

 In my dawn and new day

 I finally got away

 But my head's all messed up and he knows

 just what to say

 No more dawn and new days

 I'm goin back to stay

 Why say bye bye

 When it only makes me cry

 

 

 I still

 Light up like a candle burnin’ when he calls me up

 I still

 Melt down like a candle burnineverytime we touch

 Oh say what you will

 He does me wrong and I should be gone

 I still

 Be lovin’ you baby and it's much to much

 

 

Judges comments: 

"An anthem for battered women"

"Wow--she (almost) deserves to be prey"

"I think she must have bruises on the brain to be singing this."

 

 

2. PLEASE HURT ME

    Little Eva

    (Gerry Goffin/Carole King)

 

 

If you gotta hurt somebody, please hurt me

& if you gotta break a heart, then please break mine

I won't cry if you deceive me

I'll take it with a smile

I know someday you will leave me

But at least I'll have you for a while

So darlin', if you gotta hurt somebody, please hurt me

& if I have to be a plaything, that's what I'll be

Please hurt me, oh please hurt me

Come on & please hurt me

Why don't you please hurt me 

 

 

Judges comments: 

"Short and to the point. Title says it all."

".....a toxic dose of martyrdom"

"Carole King wrote this?? Wow!"

 

 

1. HE HIT ME (And It Felt Like A Kiss)

    The Crystals, Courtney Love and Hole 

    (Carole King, Gerry Goffin)

 

He hit me

And it felt like a kiss

He hit me

But it didn't hurt me

 

He couldn't stand to hear me say

That I'd been with someone new

And when I told him

I had been untrue

 

He hit me

And it felt like a kiss

He hit me

And I knew he loved me

 

'Cause if he didn't care for me

I could've never made him mad

He hit me

And I was glad

 

Baby won't you stay

Baby won't you stay

Baby won't you stay

Never go away

 

 Judges comments: 

"What a slew of gruel. I feel like I need to take a shower."

"People also cut themselves to make them feel."

"This relationship is not headed in a good direction, I would guess….just a guess, of course.  I could be wrong…but, I don’t have a good feeling about it.  Just an instinct.  Maybe it’s just me.  Is it just me?"

  

Note: Carole King and Gerry Goffin were inspired to write this after Little Eva (pop singer famous for her hit "The Loco-Motion") told them about her relationship with an abusive boyfriend. Due to the subject matter and lyrics, this was a complete failure. It was disliked by the public, and radio stations denied the song airplay. The Crystals hated the song as well. Why Phil Spector convinced them to record it and then tried to release it as a single remains a mystery today. (from songfacts.com)

  

Well, obviously Carole King and Gerry Goffin had a weird streak. The fact that they wrote at least two songs as sick as these is truly amazing, and something I'm guessing they'd love to forget. And since those songs are over 40 years old, we can kind of let them off the hook a little. But what's even more incredible is that the other three songs in the top 5 are so recent.

  

For all the entries and more contest info, please visit the Greg Tamblyn / TuneTown records web site: www.GTsongs.com

  

Greg Tamblyn is a Kansas City singer, songwriter, and humorist. His song "Common Side Effects Include" recently won Best Novelty Song (out of 140,000 songs) in the 2004 Just Plain Folks Music Awards for independent artists. (www.jpfolks.com) Phone: 816-756-0069 Address: 1008 Valentine Rd, Kansas City MO, 64111, USA



Copyright© Greg Tamblyn, Heartless Bitches International (heartless-bitches.com) 2005
Copying or reproduction (in whole or in part) on any medium (such as in print or on the web) is expressly forbidden without written permission from HBI

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