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What's Wrong with Nice Guys?

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Women's Magazines

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Every so often, the television adverts will plug a new women's magazine. "For women like you! For real women! What women really want to know!" usually accompanied by an impossibly clean woman raving at how "like her" this magazine is; she feels as though she's just made a new friend.

Great, another fucking women's magazine, full as ever of dumbed-down worthless crap about who's sleeping with whom, the new Gucci shoes that every girl must have, and of course, everything about MEN. Sure enough, I look at the cover and it's all the same. Tom and Nicole: the Truth! How I got this Amazing Body! Diary of a Divorce! Lose 10lbs in a Week! How to Meet the Man You Never Knew You Wanted!

Don't tell me all women really want to read this soft-soap shit. Who gives a fuck about Tom and Nicole? I think the people who make these magazines secretly despise women. Or they're schizophrenic. Love your body - but diet diet diet. Be happy single - but look for a man. Sort out your finances - but blow 200 on a pair of fucking shoes. Geri Halliwell starves herself & now smokes to look thin - here's a copy of her plan for YOU to follow! We're all independent chicks with brains - now here's an issue full of sex and how to be a total fucking doormat to a man who MUST be a shit, because after all, he's a man isn't he? You still have to please him though. Otherwise, although you're an individual with a life, you'll be a complete loser with no life because you're single. Lesbians? What are those? They're in the gay section, thanks very much. All our women are STRAIGHT and NICE.

I don't swoon over George Clooney. I don't want to look like Kate Moss. I don't identify with Bridget Jones and I think Ally McBeal needs a damn good slap. If I want to lose weight I'll do something about it, and no I don't shriek in horror at a hint of cellulite or stretch marks. I'll love my body because it's healthy, not because it's thin. I'll love my boyfriend because he's a wonderful person, not because he's a man & I have to have one to validate my existence. I don't think chocolate is the only food and I don't brag that I can't even boil an egg. I couldn't give a flying fuck what's going on in soaps this week, what heel I should wear, what new hideous hairstyle I should adopt or what music I should buy. I'll make up my own mind, thanks.

If women's magazines really gave a toss about women, they might actually be interesting to read. Heaven forbid! They're there to keep us in our moronic little Stepford places. Read about Hollywood instead of history. Find out diet tips instead of health statistics. Please your man instead of actually making your own way through life and finding out who you are. Magazines want us all to sit swooning over Brad Pitt & thus be safely out of the world's way. After all, if we actually started thinking, we might realize that Cosmopolitan is as interesting as toilet roll and far less useful. Although, given the amount of shit in both of them, it might be put to some useful task...

K' Clarke

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