[A not-too-observant fan writes in.]

Subject: Where the fuck is any response to my submission of

From: Lisa

Nice Work War Lordresses-(not)

[That depends on which viewpoint you take. Personally, keeping an asshole like you away from the rest of us is a good day's work.]

After submitting a verbous and gratuitous ('oh plu-leeze include me'

[Who wants a toady lick-boot hanging around?]

here's my he's a muthaf-and I kick ass) story,

[How can you simultaneously kick ass and kiss mine? Here's her "story."]

all I get from YOU is Regulatory email and No- None at all- in recognition w/regard to my submission.

[But have you checked Weak of the Week yet?]

Nice work- Lisa (why bother-plenty other sites/or-NOT.

[Thanks. I try.]

Name: Sam Hain

[Isn't that shocking and original?]

URL : http://www.amishrakefight.org/gfy/

[Amuse yourself and your friends!]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
My scabby monkey-ass experiences can help fast forward you and your jive through strife.

[This reads like a Mad-lib. Remember those?]

You are a fuck. This bullshit is a chance for my stupid ass to show off some of MY skills as a communicator.

[You must have a fuckwad filter on. It's jamming your frequency, and I wish you'd adjust it to NONE, so you won't come back.]

I can help you facilitate some interpersonal situation within your sorry own life.

[Why don't you just sit and facilitate.]

Jesus was right, you are a motherfucking shit bag.

[You've spoken to Jesus?]

Look around you! You are a fuck. You and your monkey'll

[You are not my monkey.]

see that fuckin' what I'm about is for REAL and not of consequence.

[You got that right. You are NOT of consequence.]

One Liner:
It's your ass on the line!

[Quick! Break out the turbo eraser pack and try to submit this one again. I need an expletive phrase.]

Name: cindy

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
When my old man cheated on me i stold

[Stold: Stole + sold. Why waste time with TWO verbs when you can combine them into one?]

all his shit and called the girl to come over and she grabed somethings to and left his bedroom empty

[At least you don't hold grudges.]

One Liner:
loca bitch

[Ah, yep.]

Name: WW

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I like eating little babies and torturing puppies.

[Got any recipes?]

I enjoy smacking teen-boppers and spend many pleasurable hours criticizing Britney Spears.

[Who doesn't? She's such an easy target.]

I also have a death list and if this message goes up on 'Weak Of The Week', you're going to be in it.

[That's J-A-D-E-S-Y-R-E-N. Write for an appointment.]

One Liner:
I am selfish, smart and homicidal

[It's a cliche, but these are her GOOD qualities. She thinks so, anyway.]

Name: Tommy

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I'm not gunna write some big essay why i'm a bitch or whatever,

[*choke, choke*]

i'm just gunna mention some stuff unlike all these other people that are like "yeah, i'm a bitch because blah blah blah yeah we know good for you."

[But will it be unlike the REST of the stuff I wade through?]

I do what I want when I want to. I plan on being happy so shut up and just nod your stupid lil head. Understand that this isn't gunna maybe happen..you see, it will.

[Which is it? Will it happen or won't it? When are you going to get to the "unlike all these other people" part?]

I've had enough of this sexist shit. I do care abit about the subject since I am writing this. The secret is men and women are EQUAL. I have a penise and she has a vagina..big whoopty fuckin doo. Both men and women got to shut the hell up. Pay props where it's due.

[So when you say "sexist shit," what are you talking about?]

We weren't all raised by a pack of wolves. (heh, my language)

[I think you were exposed as a child.]

Yeah, i've made mistakes so quit distracting me and let me fix em shit head.

[Go on. Start with "penise."]

This is who I am, take it or leave it. What, you rather me pretend to be something else?

[I'd rather you take something with a definite form. Really, now, who ARE you? More importantly (or not) what are you trying to say?]

Bah, I don't know, just get the hell out of my way you're slowing me down!

[You're in a hurry to go in circles.]

If i'm not a heartless bitch I don't know..give me training or something.

[We only accept fully trained Bitches. Sorry.]

Hey, I don't know everything but i'm willing to learn.

[At least that's the beginning of wisdom.]

Hmm, I think i'm gunna get bombed on. Well whetever tickles your fancy ladies.

[Why did you press send?]

One Liner:
Whoa, you have problems too?! You're "speshul", here have a cookie.

[Just one?]

Name: Lark

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
...i like to swear, to fuck everything that moves, to lick everybody and everywhere, i want to fuck you too and whatever it takes i will get what i want

[Well, it wouldn't TAKE much to get what YOU want. All you need to do is go to a bar and bottoms up.]

One Liner:
fuck, swear, lick and drink...

[When you have low standards....]

Name: Jennifer

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I am sick of men getting gushy when it comes down to just wanting sex. What happened to the men who like "Causal Dating". Why does every guy fall in love now a days. BLLAAK!

[You're probably giving the impression that you're into that. Start charging for your services, and they'll understand that you're not in it for the love. After it's over, you can always offer a refund.]

One Liner:
I am sick of men who don't know what the word Casual means. What the hell happened?

[See if my little tip doesn't help.]

Name: monique

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
well for one i wont take shit from anyone

[Well, alright.]

i always get my way with my man he is my bitch he does what i want.

[Are you writing from prison?]

if someone fucks me over i will seek vegence weather they say sorry or not some times i just do it for fun.

[You need a hobby.]

One Liner:
i dont give a shit weather you like me or not even if your nice i will be rude even if i get my way

[What about the weather?]

Name: GoddessShanon

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
No one wants to see someone so pitiful,l to begin w/, become a veggie and drain the world's resource anymore than they already have. AND...Fat people, LOOSE weight! Once you do loose weight no one fucking cares of your accomplishment it is your own laziness that made you fat to begin w/ you shouldn't get credit for loosing it.

[Shanon--The minor goddess of petty gripes and poor writing.]

One Liner:
All fuckers should DIE by their own hand. AND...leave me the fuck alone cuz I could care less about them.

[Oh, Shanon. I expected so much more from a "goddess" than "Die, fuckers, die."]

Name: Myisha

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
I am an extremely inteligent young woman who Is always underestimated beacause I am also

[Spelling flames are pretty lame, I know; HOWEVER, when someone typos "intelligent" while using it to describe him or herself, I can't help but notice the irony.]

beautiful. I am also a strong woman who does judo and lifts weights. I suffer from a lack of emotion,

[Have you tried counseling?]

beleive in casual sex,

[It's not like the Easter Bunny, after all.]

and I dont cry!

[You covered this in your "lack of emotions" statement.]

I am high matenence, but I mantain me!

[Mantain? That would be clever if I didn't already know that you just misspelled the word.]

I have my own job,car,and house. and the only thing i use men for is sex.

[You shouldn't be USING anyone for anything, especially not for money or security.]

I dont believe in pitty or sympathy. I must have my way or its the highway.

[So hit the road, Myisha. Don't ya come back no more.]

One Liner:
ALL RISE, QUEEN BITCH HAS ARIVED!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[I think I'm going to mark this one "Return to Sender."]

Name: Tracy "QUEENN of ALL BIOTCHES"

[Uh-oh. Looks like Myisha has been dethroned. Maybe she was just announcing Tracy's presence?]

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
Well my name says alot of it...

[Yeah. It says that you've got a sixth grade reading level.]

LOL I like to start fights with my hubby just to have something to do.

[Pretty pathological. Don't cry to me when he grants that asswhipping wish of yours.]

I push him til he can't be pushed no more.

[This isn't something to be proud of. You keep underestimating people at your own risk.]

I like to be vindictive when someone pisses me off, if I can't get back at them it sure is fun thinking of what I could do to them :)

[As long as you're thinking of me. (Don't you have better things to do? Probably not.)]

One Liner:
Revenge can be a WONDERFUL thing.

[Remember that you said this. Your husband's overdue.]

Name: Sonya

Reasons for being a Heartless Bitch:
To top it all off, and even though this is an accurate description, someone sent me this and said this screamed my name: http://www.heartless-bitches.com/

[So far, this is pretty standard stuff. The head-scratching stuff's at the bottom.]

I agree with most of those statements. I just thought I didn't tolerate bullshit, but I guess that translates to being a heartless bitch. Perhaps I should start allowing people to walk all over me, get their way all the time, let them puff their chest out when half the time they have no fucking clue what they're talking about, listen to them whine and cry and give grandiose fool proof plans for changing the world, and do it all with a smile plastered on my face and nod politely and be a cheerleader. Ok. Fuck that. Maybe I was put on this earth to bring people back to reality. Heartless bitch indeed, however...I don't think anyone would like me to act like what my definition of a heartless bitch is. It would put that website to shame.

[*Blink* So who is she talking to? Is her browser NOT tuned to heartless-bitches.com? This is much like waving at someone you don't think you know because they're waving at you, so you think, only to find that they're waving at someone BEHIND you.]

One Liner:
Oh? Wow! You think I care? How sweet.

[I don't know about y'all, but I'm getting really sick of these catty little one-liners. I long for the days when I got quotes like, "Get on the damn Clue Bus or I'll run your ass over," or "I'm trying to set people on fire with my mind." Another favorite was, "Less talkin', more marinatin'." Now THOSE were the days. I miss 'em.]